Open Writing

One hundred and twenty million Americans are a total of 1.444m lbs overweight, which sounds like a lot of hamburgers.

If you are struggling to eat thin for spring, statements like that don’t help, because you can’t resist the feeling that surely all those people can’t be wrong. How do the successfully slim manage it? How do they maintain their whispy waistline? They have to start somewhere, and I guess it is in front of the mirror after a bath before they have pulled themselves together.

Very often behind a sylph-like wife towers a tough but proud husband. ‘Hey Fatty,’ some helpfully encourage. Mrs A Turton, of Wombwell, weighed a solid 17stone until her husband offered to pay her a pound cash for every pound weight she lost. Today, she is a jubilant 10stone and husband says it was worth every penny.

My friend, Mrs P, whom I will describe as ‘cuddly’ because I value her friendship decided to take her weight problem to a hypnotist. I did a Mike Parkinson on her recently, a sort of probe between the layers, over a couple of slim-line lagers. What prompted you to take this vast step Mrs P? Well I’m just fat and I don’t want to be.

But was there a moment you can remember vividly, when you said to yourself, I can’t go on, I must be slim? No, I just felt bloated and blown up. How much did you weigh? A lot. Come on Mrs P, how much. No, I’m not telling you.

Well I didn’t break any sound barriers there, so let’s face it, Mike Parkinson can breathe easy.

Anyway, Mrs P’s excess was enough to drive her to the eyes of a hypnotist who, for a fee, puts her into a relaxed position every Saturday, and then tells her she must only eat three small meals per day, definitely no nibbling in between.

He has been telling her this every week since Christmas, and she feels it is working. She obediently shed half a stone quite painlessly during the first few sessions, but now admits it’s dragging a bit. Back to Mrs P, and another couple of slim-lines please, luv.

Has the rest of the family made any comments on your efforts? If I wrote it in large letters on a 6ft placard and hung it on the wall, they wouldn’t notice. When we were going up the path the other night my husband did say ‘If you are losing any weight, I haven’t noticed it yet.’

At first the talk-ins were on a weekly basis, now she has a three week rest in between. Her Zvengali probably feels she has digested the basic message by now and just needs ‘topping up’ every three weeks.

I know Mrs P has tried various methods and still remains her cuddly jocular self. One year she attempted to lose a little extra for charity, but her husband begged her to fatten-up – her over-developed temper was reducing him to tears. I wish her the best of luck in her efforts, and if she does eventually reach her target I promise to publish her photo as my slimmer of the year. How’s that for an incentive, Mrs P?

If all else fails, remember that an efficient worker is more likely to become overweight than his less productive co-worker is. The former spends less energy at his job while the latter burns up calories working around his task. A California University came up with that little gem – sounds like a load of hamburgers to me!