Open Writing

There's a report in the media today (3 March 2011) that a well-known car manufacturer has recalled over 50,000 cars because of a problem with spiders. It seems that a particular type of spider can and does build its nest in the fuel system. This could cause increased pressure and cracks in the fuel tank.

On the other hand, spiders have had their uses. For an example, I turn once again to the remarkable tome published in 1660, Eighteen Books of the Secrets of Art & Nature being The Summe and Substance of Naturall Philosophy Methodically Digested. First designed by John Wecker Dr in Physick, and now much Augmented and Inlarged by Dr R.Read.

"To stop bleeding at Nose: Take a Spider the biggest you can get, put him in a fine linnen cloth, bruise him a little, and hold the same up to the nose of him that bleedeth, but touch not his nose therewith, but let him smell to it and it will work the effect."

If you don't like the idea of bruising a spider in your handkerchief and sniffing it, there is an alternative:

"To stench blood: Bloud running immoderately out of any part of the body, will be presently stopt, if Hogs dung yet hot, be wrapt up in fine thin Cotten linnen and put into the Nostrils, Womens privities, or any other place that runs with bloud."

You must first catch your hog at the moment he is defecating, of course. However, if you are suffering from an inflamed uvula rather than a bloody nose, there is another kind of dung which could be efficacious:

"For the uvula inflamed: The dry excrement of a Boy mingled with Honey of Athens, is an excellent remedy for the inflamation of the uvula, that is dangerous to choake a man. But that Boy must be fed two daies with Lupins, with the finest Bread well leavened and salted: and he must drink old wine moderately, that he may digest it well. The third day the excrement must be taken and dried, and used as I said before. The flesh of Hens and Partridges boyled in broth is good to eat for him, but that his excrement will stink the more."

The boy will probably enjoy the old wine, as long as he imbibes it moderately, but I'm not so sure about the diet of lupins. I understand that, taken internally, they are anthelmintic, diuretic and emmenagogue. In other words, they will help to expel parasitic worms; stimulate the flow or urine; and promote menstrual discharge. That poor lad is going to have some real problems while he's being prepared to produce excrement to cure someone's inflamed uvula.

Fear not. Help is at hand.

"For the running out of the Urine: The bladder of a Sheep or Goat burnt, and drank with water and Vinegar, or a Hares testicle boyled in sweet wine and drank, helps such as make their water against their will."

Obviously, it wasn't safe to be a hen, partridge, hog, sheep, goat, hare, spider, or small boy, when those old apothecaries and chirurgeons were around.

On the topic of bleeding noses, let's move forward 200 years and look for some commonsense advice in Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management. In section 2607 on page 1066, she is down to earth. A bit fussy, perhaps, but very much akin to what our mothers used to do for us 100 years after Mrs Beeton's reign.

She takes things a step further, though:
"To prevent a repetition of the hemorrhage, the body should be sponged every morning with cold water, and the child put under a course of steel wine, have open-air exercise, and, if possible, salt-water bathing."

One's servants or the child's Nanny would no doubt attend to these matters. However, what's this business about "steel wine"? Iron or steel filings were, at some time in the distant past, administered internally for medicinal purposes. A steel wine was one in which steel filings had been placed for a considerable time, producing a chalybeate medicine, i.e., one which tasted of iron. Well, I suppose that's preferable to having hot hog's dung shoved up your nose.
© Copyright Brian Barratt 2011
Approx. 700 words.