Open Writing

Ever since the Federation of Australia in 1901 Aussies have been unevenly divided into monarchists and republicans. In fact, in this sports mad country, the majority of us are not so much interested in the Sport of Kings, or other things regal, as we are inclined to make irreverent sport of kings. Those of queenly, princely or even princessly disposition are also fair game, I have noticed.

As soon as I learnt that the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was to be screened on a Friday night, local time, I doubted if I'd be watching it at all since it clashed head on with the weekly coverage of 'Friday Night Football'. But, to my surprise, the males in my family were prepared to briefly relinquish control of the television remote so long as we watched with a commentary which took a humorous slant on proceedings.

We were initially torn between the parody of Dame Edna Everage or a satirical group called 'The Chaser'. The Chaser are a group of comedians who are most famous for driving a fake motorcade through the Sydney CBD and breaching an APEC security zone whilst one of them was dressed as Osama bin Laden. However, the decision was made for us when The Chaser were "strongly advised" by both the BBC and Clarence House that they pull the show from being aired. Julian Morrow, a member of The Chaser team, remarked, "For a monarchy to be issuing decrees about how the media should cover them seems quite out of keeping with modern, democratic times - but I suppose that's exactly what the monarchy is."

Chris Taylor, a fellow member, said, "We've been taken off air before but never by the Queen herself. It's an honour." I should have thought that Her Majesty would have welcomed the presence of The Chaser team, if for no other reason than to test security.

Dame Edna was in fine form and "she" had me laughing with, "Colonel Gaddafi isn't coming. He'd clash with the bridesmaids." She also reminded viewers that, "Sitting on a beanbag somewhere is Fergie ...watching this."
At one point Dame Edna and her commentary team came up with some unintentional comedy. As a stout, distinguished gentleman was escorted to his seat in the Abbey they speculated whether or not it was Dodi al-Fayed. "No, that's Mohamed al-Fayed," corrected our loyal monarchist, the Dame.

"Dodi's the dead one," chimed in James Whitaker, who was our borrowed, British "royal expert." They were both wrong. It was the King of Tonga.
As for Princess Beatrice -well, what can I say? She was a comedy-do -it -yourselfer simply by wearing that so-called "hat".

Speaking of comedians, I was disappointed when our television cameras did not seem to spot the arrival of Rowan Atkinson. As the cameras panned back and forth across the guests and I still could not spy him, I began to wonder if this "fun loving couple" who "hoped to inject some youth and modernity" into the monarchy might be about to pull off the coup of the century. I held my breath in anticipation. Would the Archbishop of Canterbury, at the precise moment of saying, "Do you, William take this woman ...", drop the ring, fall over the pulpit and lift his hood to reveal none other than --- Mr Bean?

Now that single act would have ensured the instant conversion of thousands of Orstralian republicans into staunch monarchists for decades to come.