Bonzer Words!: If You Have Tears Prepare To Shed Them Now
Les Yemm tells a story with a chuckle in its tail.
In a Melbourne suburb which once housed the biggest Greek speaking community outside of Athens, Dimitri Dimitriopoulos still maintains his small tailor's business, even though Richmond is now a suburb of Saigon. He has even bowed to the inevitable and employs Vietnamese seamstresses.
I have been a customer for many years and I have a great relationship with the old goat.
I find it interesting that Greeks share in that lack of imagination which allows other Western parents to give their children names like 'Evan Evans', 'David Davis', 'Bill Williams', or 'John Jones'. At one time I used to call him 'Dimi Twice', but this has long since shortened to 'Twice'. I won't tell you what he calls me as to translate it into English might cause offence.
I should explain the background to the tale I am about to tell you. I am a naturalist and my work is paid for jointly by the Victorian Government's Department of the Environment, and Melbourne Zoo.
At present, I am working on a doctoral thesis on the mating processes of the 'Lesser Red-Nosed, Long-Haired, Victorian Dingbat'. This fascinating native Australian animal shares the four well known eating and reproductive habits of the rest of the wombat family, but I am only interested in the two which fall between 'eating' and 'leaving'.
As this frantic activity generally occurs at night, in the depths of old-growth rainforest, I frequently end up going arse over breakfast down some steep slope after stepping on a loose stone or patch of wet moss. Fortunately, Mr and Ms Dingbat are normally too busy to hear the noise and words which accompany my fall. This kind of event plays havoc with my various body parts, and also with my clothes, even though they are the best that 'Hard Yakka' can supply. I console myself by mulling over the idea that Peeping Toms probably deserve all they get.
And so it was that early one morning, after a night of filming, recording, and voyeurism in the depths of The Dandenongs, I found myself, scratched and covered with mud, talking to Twice and asking for urgent help.
He pointed to my pants and said, 'If you have tears, prepare to shed them now'.
I groaned and followed him into the changing room, dropped my Daks and handed them to him.
He examined them professionally and eventually cocked a quizzical eye at me and said, 'Euripedes?'
'Eumenedes?' I countered, and honour thus satisfied, we both chuckled while he scurried off to find a nimble-fingered Vietnamese maiden to repair the newly-installed air conditioning in the seat of my pants.
Many people say that 'Beware of Greeks bearing gifts' is reasonably sound advice. But when they carry a loaded pun, they should be shunned at all costs!
© Les Yemm
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Les writes for Bonzer! magazine. Please visit www.bonzer.org.au
