Arkell's Ark: And Counting
…as payment I would be given a code, or series of codes that would explain the meaning of everything, all the existential stuff – life, death, what possessed McCain to choose Palin, why McDonalds cut their breakfasts at 10.30 and, more importantly, how to program a DVD…
But frustrated columnist Ian Arkell has forgotten the “power’’ numbers presented in a dream.
A lot of people swear by numbers. Some buy their lotto by numbers, decide where to live by postcode or house numbers and are convinced that this or that year is propitious simply because of numbers. I am sceptical about all this stuff, as I am about star signs. Whenever I meet people and they ask my star sign, I give them a dodgy date and time and after they spend a few seconds getting in touch with their mystical consciousness, they came back with, “Yes, I could tell. You’re a typical…”
I keep these sorts of brilliantly thought through concepts in my ‘Crap’ file. It’s a big file. While the astrology bit is still in the file, I have to admit to rethinking the numbers thing.
A couple of years ago, I had this dream that I was given the task of looking after the Pope. Not the new one but the other guy. In this dream he was still pretty fit, walking and talking, speaking three hundred languages and all the stuff that Popes do. Now all I had to do was protect.him from something.
I don’t know who gave me the job, why they would pick an atheist to begin with and what my duties would be. Would I have to learn Latin or feel guilty? Would I have to start using a capital G when I wrote about the boss? Yeah, I should have asked a few questions about the pay, was there a dental plan, could I take time off, that sort of stuff.
Anyway, as payment I would be given a code, or series of codes that would explain the meaning of everything, all the existential stuff – life, death, what possessed McCain to choose Palin, why McDonalds cut their breakfasts at 10.30 and, more importantly, how to program a DVD. The codes were something like 1302, something, something, then 1303, something, something and finally 1304 etc. Three sequences of critical numbers. I remember thinking, even in the dream, that these numbers might be important and that I should write them down. Well, they were and I didn’t. And you reckon I’m not upset now? Sure it was a dream, but I’m been going berserk trying to remember those numbers. I can always see the first three or four numbers but everything else is just fragments.
I can’t believe I missed out on all that power and knowledge because I didn’t have a pen. And can you imagine being able to program a DVD? Even in the dream I remember thinking that maybe it was a Jesuit exercise or something; punishment for all the bad stuff I’m written about religion. Still, I’d hate to be in somebody’s black book somewhere as I’ve heard that slighted Catholics can be very vengeful. According to the commentator at the Pope’s funeral, he was the spiritual head of about 1.2 billion Catholics. That could end up being the mother of all inquisitions.
It occurred to me the other night that because of what I’ve written in the past about religion generally and then coming out a while back as an atheist, I’ve probably upset a lot of other folk as well. I know 1.2 billion Catholics don’t agree with me. Conceivably the more extreme among them might be openly hostile and want to string me up. On top of that there might be a fair number of Mormons, Southern Baptists and members of the Christian Right who would like to see me burning in some sort of fire. I could maybe handle a quick singe, but the eternal stuff? I don’t know.
And to make matters worse I haven’t factored in followers of Islam, who can get a bit tetchy about their faith on occasion. Must be a couple of dozen out there at least. But when you add it all up and even if you discount those who are truly forgiving, disenchanted, or on annual leave, there’s still an awful lot of people who are not that fussed about me.
So numerically, which is where we started, it’s no wonder I’m not popular with a large segment of the world’s population. Still, I can live with that. But I draw the line at being stoned or flogged. That would suck big time. Maybe I’m hitting the panic button a touch too soon. I mean, they’re all religious god-fearing men and women. I can’t see them getting violent or anything.
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Do read Ian’s exciting new novel Who Your Mates Are http://ianarkell.wordpress.com/
