American Pie: Cats From Space
...Our immediate tasks are first to observe, and to get our charges used to the idea that we can do anything we choose, despite their efforts to, as they put it “Cat proof the house.” Such an offensive idea...
The cats are taking over in John Merchant's household. (I wonder if John and his wife realise that this message has been smuggled out to a worldwide audience by devious Won means? - Ed.)
Greetings! I am Won. My compatriot Won Too and I are visiting from Felinius, in the constellation Mog. Our mission here is to Felinise the Earth for eventual occupation by our kind. We are assigned to this writer and his wife; not an easy task.
Our charges have given us the asinine names of Nikkei and Ling-Ling, but naturally we do not respond to them. What self-respecting cat would? On Felinius we are all Won. We have no need to distinguish one Won from another Won because we have other and more sophisticated means of identification. We call it nose up the bum.
Our immediate tasks are first to observe, and to get our charges used to the idea that we can do anything we choose, despite their efforts to, as they put it “Cat proof the house.” Such an offensive idea.
The second task that is occupying much of our time is adjusting to the swill they feed us. We have narrowed down the food we will accept from the 25 different canned meal types they have insulted our epicurean preferences with, to one that gives us the least indigestion. It has been tough. We had better food in space, on our long journey from Felinius
So far, our observations indicate that these humans nap a lot, as we do. We cannot determine why they do. Our napping compensates us for earth’s gravity, which is half as strong again as on Felinius. It is hard on the legs. But we’re at a loss to explain our charges’ slumbering, unless there’s a connection between that and what they call TV.
They also spend a lot of time on what they call “art.” Her art is something to do with being President of the Southwest Florida Art Council, but we have not seen any evidence, other than that she keeps saying “Why ever did I get into this?” We do not have an answer.
Once a week he disappears and eventually returns, sweating and covered in dust. He calls this his art, and its name is “sculpture.” We are informed his sculpture has been awarded “Best of Show.” Strange; we had been told by our controllers that this was a term associated with cat shows on earth, evidence that earth cats have totally capitulated to human demands.
Our charges went to the northern part of the world this summer on their annual pilgrimage to Catnecticut. Such a beautiful name. It was on their return journey that our controllers directed them subliminally to the litter of earth cats in Venice, Florida where Won Too and I had been “Seeded,” while our assignment was determined.
Up to now, our charges have been kind to us, within their human limitations. They have learned finally that we Felinians are minimalists. Most humans find this difficult to understand, and their pet stores are evidence enough – a huge inventory of stuff we have no use for.
They did, however, succumb to popular earthling beliefs, and purchased a couple of “toys,” and of all the stupid things, a cat bed. Slow learners that they are, they have yet to accept that we sleep where we choose, not where they think we should. As for the “toys,” we have hidden them, and hope that’s the last of it.
We did have one break through when we convinced them that our most desirable earth possession is a paper bag. They do not exist on Felinius, and we find them irresistible, like humans and their “Chocolate,” you might say.
For the foreseeable future we intend to keep our charges close to home. We have not yet heard the dreaded word “Boarding,” that our controllers had warned us about, but we are assembling our arsenal of deterrents to ensure that it doesn’t happen. These include limping, not eating for a day, and exhibiting crazy behavior. All these ploys are degrading and regrettable, but necessary.
We are keeping our charges fit, well and happy because that is in our best interests. We have learned to fawn, and agreed to purr; disgusting habits though they are, and not required on Felinius. Our greatest fear is that they might get mice. We are apparently supposed to get a kick out of catching the detestable little buggers. Ugh!
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To read some of John's own words please click on http://www.openwriting.com/cgi-bin/mt-search.cgi?IncludeBlogs=1&search=john+merchant
And do visit his Web site
http://home.comcast.net/~jwmerchant/site/
