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…Wedged in the cleft of a branch, fifty or more feet up in one of my favorite beeches, I could forget my overcrowded and tense home life. I could see for miles, and when the leaves were on, no one could see me…
John Merchant recalls playing as a boy in woods that were said to be the refuge of the legendary Robin Hood.
For more of John’s thoughtful and entertaining columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...As a result of constantly striving towards their status goals, I feel that American women have evolved into a society of chronic complainers. Their list of wrongs is headed by what they perceive as a lack of job and education opportunities. Yet ten Fortune 500 companies are currently run by women, and twenty Fortune 1000 companies. In education, women now make up nearly half of the Ph.D. recipients in the United States, and 58 percent of all undergraduates, according to the U.S. Education Department...
John Merchant ruminates on the changing expectations and demands of American women.
To read more of John's insightful columns on life in 21st Century America please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "There Is Nothing Like A Dame - American Dame That Is" »
...The missed belt loop; failing to completely tuck your shirt tail into the back of your pants; putting on your tie over your shirt collar at the back; not zipping your fly. And the worst one of all, somehow tucking the end of the toilet roll into your clothing when in a public toilet...
Oh those tell-tale signs of growing old! Then there's the "other door'' syndrome...
Though you can ignore the date on John Merchant's birth certificate. He has the athletic mind of an extra-talented twenty-year-old, eager to grapple with the world and its puzzles.
...Most business owners I know prosper only by dint of hard work and diligence, particularly if they created their businesses from scratch. In truth there is no way to a fast fortune except if you’re a lottery winner or get a good stock investment tip...
John Merchant tells of men with the essential character and resolve to make the money roll in.
...I’m embarrassed to admit that I believed if I succeeded in creating a better life for myself, the world I joined would be populated by people who valued civilized behavior, good manners and honorable standards. How stupid could I have been?...
John Merchant, reared in class-conscious England, has had his great expectations blunted in the egalitarian United States.
To read more of John's enlightening columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…Now, in Iraq, young men in sneakers and jeans, armed with nothing more than handguns and the occasional rocket launcher, have shown that they are capable of besting the finest troops the US military can field…
John Merchant, in a powerfully argued polemic against current Western military tactics which refuse to acknowledge that conventional armies cannot successfully emulate insurgent militias, calls for different strategies to deal with 21st Century situations.
…The sad result of the declining importance attributed to writing skills in the USA, is that even supposedly well educated people have difficulty expressing themselves on paper…
John Merchant speaks up for that discounted and increasingly rare species, the writer.
To read more of John’s accomplished and entertaining words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…And what a visual disappointment the space walks are. What happened to the fictional promise of astronauts flying free, under their own power? What we are treated to in reality is the image of robot-like figures, barely recognizable as space walkers, encased in what is almost a space craft its self, fastened to a manupulating arm or a tether, gasping like old men as they perform the simplest task…
John Merchant casts a cold eye on the costs and minimal benefits of Space exploration.
To read more of John’s entertaining and enlightening columns on the American scene please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can also be profoundly hurtful, as John Merchant reveals when he casts an eye on name calling, from ancient times to the present day.
To enjoy more of John’s important and highly readable columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…What fascinated me most about the scientists I have known in academia is their carefully chosen specialties. I say “carefully chosen” because the smart ones appear to select a field of study that involves either spending time in rather pleasant places, or researching phenomena that can only be described as sensuous, and sometimes both…
John Merchant considers the unusual and pleasurably mind-bending research being carried out by Dutch scientists into the “Ouzo Effect’’.
To read more of John’s words on an amazing range of topics please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Global warming is a hot topic in the United States, but the majority of consumers are taking their own sweet time to do the right thing, says John Merchant.
“What do the deniers think – that coal keeps growing in the ground; that oil is somehow replenishing its self; that trees are going to grow in a fraction of the time they do now so that they can be harvested more frequently to meet increasing demand? Do they imagine that the air pollutants will magically dissipate, and that the chemicals that leach into the rivers and lakes, or that are deposited there by industry and agriculture, will just go away?’’
To read more of John’s powerful prose please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant recalls the pleasures, and the occasional pain, of growing vegetables.
To read John's articles on the contemporary scene in the United States please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Currently, the world is going through an unprecedented period of population movement from one country to another. Driven by economic, political, cultural or religious pressures, or a combination of all these factors, peoples are seeking peace, safety and prosperity in another land. Congruent with this upheaval is a rapidly escalating need to learn a second language. In the US, attempts to meet this need are spotty at best...
John Merchant says that many immigrants to the US learn some form of English by usage and exposure. Unfortunately, much of this exposure is to forms of English that don’t bear much resemblance to correct spelling, grammar and pronunciation.
To read more of John's columns, written with enviable linguistic command and vigour, please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...It was a high price to pay for my newfound interest in politics, and I wasn’t even sure that I’d be able to rouse myself at 4 am to be at the polling station on time. But on the day, there I was, still half asleep, being driven by my wife through an early morning mist to the Southern Baptist church that was loaning its facilities for the occasion. Other than two or three gas stations, the church was the only place showing any lights in the pre-dawn blackness, but as we approached, other headlights swung into the driveway, and soon a gaggle of bleary-eyed volunteers was waiting at the church door...
John Merchant volunteers his time and does his duty as a polling station worker.
His reward for a tough day on the voting front line? "My back and feet were not happy.''
...So now we send our pleas to be my Valentine to the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker et al. At the beginning of this trend I would browse the card racks, alternately fascinated and dismayed by the commercialization of this special day. Probably one of the most ludicrous examples I remember is a card that read “A Valentine’s wish for my favorite priest.” I had to wonder what the reaction might have been on the part of the unfortunate celibate who received it...
John Merchant muses on the changing customs of Valentine's Day. Is a bag of broccoli, accompanying a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a gift too far?
Continue reading "Oh Valentine, My Valentine, What Are You Eating?" »
…What scares me more is that it has taken almost eight years for many citizens to come to the same conclusion. The machinations of the Machiavellian Cheney and his front man Bush, coupled with the ominous and covert activities of the National Security Council and the Central Intelligence Agency, have spurred many people like myself to take a more active roll in the political process.
Amazingly, and unfortunately, there is still a significant proportion of the population that can see no wrong in the way the Nation’s business has been conducted this past 8 years, but then, that was true of Germany in the 1930’s…
John Merchant, who was once apolitical or even anti-political, decides to become a Polling Station worker.
To read more of John’s vigorous and concerned columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…That same day, my breeder friend had a horse running that was a “sure-fire winner.” I placed a small bet, not being much of a gambler, but encouraged by the knowledge that I had “inside information.” True to my friend’s confidence, the horse led through much of the race, then dropped dead just a few yards before the finish post – the story of my gambling career….
John Merchant’s “adventures’’ in the horse racing world will keep you chuckling for a week - and possibly convince you that it's best to keep your money in your pocket.
For more of John’s invigorating column please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "I Got A Horse Right Here, His Name Is Paul Revere" »
…In contemporary society, neighborliness is frequently absent, and parents are oftentimes distracted by the pace and intensity of their working and social lives. As a result, perhaps too much reliance is placed on statutes such as Megan’s Laws, and on inculcating fear into children’s minds…
Whilst not arguing against greater child protection, John Merchant thinks it is regrettable that parents are indoctrinating their children not only to be suspicious of strangers, but of any man outside their immediate family circle.
Continue reading "Strong Statutes Don't Always Good Neighbours Make" »
...At a time when social interaction is becoming more and more digitized through email, text messaging, online chat rooms and obsessive cell phone use, the last thing I want to forgo is parties. You know, the real parties, where after a couple of drinks you can talk total nonsense and tell lies to someone you don’t know, who you will never see again. Then again, I suppose you can do that online too...
John Merchant is a long way short of being impressed at the prospect of virtual on-line surprise parties.
…America is a country of immigrants, and needs the influx to continue, but at a rate that allows for assimilation, and in a fashion that is based on legitimacy. An estimate of the illegal immigrant population in the USA in 2006 was 20 million. Of that number, 57% were from Mexico, 24% from Central America, 9% from Asia, and 10% from Europe, Canada and the rest of the world…
Immigration is a problem which affects everyone in the United States, says John Merchant – a problem which needs to be fixed.
For more of John’s straight-to-the-point words about life in the USA today please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "The Problems Of Uncontrolled Immigration" »
While standing in line at a Post Office in New York State John Merchant discovered a whole new meaning to pigeon post.
To sample more of John's enjoyable columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…One of my happy memories is of Christmas caroling. A group of us boys from the choir would get together two or three evenings a week, in the period immediately before Christmas, and work our way through the palpable darkness of the blacked-out neighborhood. I’m embarrassed to admit that we did it for personal gain, not for any, more noble, purpose. We concentrated on the bigger houses in the affluent parts of the parish, and were often invited inside to entertain a family gathering.
One of the boys knew the German version of Silent Night, and taught the rest of us to sing it phonetically. It didn’t strike us as ironic at the time, and none of our audiences ever complained, despite the vehemence of anti-German feeling at the time…
A faded copy of a church magazine reminds John Merchant of his days as a choir boy.
To read more of John’s invigorating columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Standard fare includes twenty different sandwiches, four or more soups, hamburgers, hot-dogs, fish dishes, omelets, pasta dishes, and every kind of salad you can think of. You can also order chops, steak, veal dishes, every kind of sausage and chicken. If you order a simple sandwich you will be quizzed as to whether you want it on white bread, rye or whole meal; toasted or un-toasted, mayonnaise or butter. You want coffee? Regular or decaff?...
John Merchant serves up a tasty column about American diners and delis - and the morning ROMEOS who patronise them.
For more of John's appetising words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
The latest buzz-word in United States food marketing is “fresh.” Local supermarkets inform their customers that certain fruits and vegetables are just coming into season and advise them to look out for local brands.
"...Dutifully I started to examine every piece of fruit and bag of potatoes or carrots, looking for labels with farm names that might mention a town nearby; or even perhaps as far afield as 100 miles away,'' says John Merchant. "Well, unless you consider that California, a mere 2,700 miles away, is more local than say Chile or Taiwan, then I was out of luck. These supermarketers know not of fresh, or local..''
To read more of John's guaranteed-to-be-fresh thoughts on life in today's America please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Each time John Merchant and his wife moved house they checked out a priority list of features they wanted to find in the new area in which they might live. These included an airport within reasonable driving distance that had flights that actually went to somewhere they might wish to go, good medical facilities, an active and robust cultural enviroment, the proximity of a large body of water and, perhaps most importantly, a significant university.
But even in an area which seems to tick all the boxes there are warts, as John reveals.
...Our first foray into the Florida cultural scene was interesting to me on several different levels. In a part of the US where shorts and ‘T’ shirts are de rigueur for men, and for many women, it was a treat to see the ladies dressed in all their finery. Though the largest proportion of them would not see seventy again, they looked elegant and handsome in their long dresses, sparkling jewelry and beautifully coifed hair...
John Merchant enjoys an evening with Schubert and Beethoven - give or take the odd note.
For more of John's well-tuned columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "A Night At The Symphony - Florida Style" »
"Whether they are willing to admit it or not, I suspect that the majority of American people over seventy spend a lot of time thinking about how long they are going to live, and whether their-nest egg, along with social security, will last them until the end. It’s a dilema,'' says John Merchant.
For more of John's clear-eyed commentaries on the 21st Century scene in the USA please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "The Price Of Staying Alive - And The Problems Of Dying" »
...A recent trip to Europe reminded me that dental care, cosmetic or otherwise doesn’t have quite the same priority there as in the US. The Germans, Belgians and Dutch I observed laughed a lot, especially after a few beers. The unselfconscious, open-mouthed guffaws of my European contemporaries frequently revealed mass molar defections, and a few scattered survivors that were every shade of gray...
But the American pursuit of attractive teeth and a beautiful body involves pain, and parting with a good deal of cash, as John Merchant reveals.
For more of John's supple and healthy words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
In an age now accustomed to instant gratification John Merchant wishes he could experience longings for material things he knew he couldn't have.
Then again there are longings for things far more important than mere possessions...
For lots more thoughts from a cultured mind please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Now, when the higher interest rates are kicking in, the victims find themselves unable to make the increased monthly payments. This has coincided with the collapse of an over blown housing market, and the resulting drop in house prices. These homeowners then find themselves with a mortgage they cannot afford on a house that is worth considerably less than they paid for it, and that they cannot sell...
John Merchant considers the current sub-prime mortgage crisis in the USA, along with other episodes of financial madness.
For more of John's thoughtful words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...“Laid back” is a phrase that is often used to describe the life style in Florida, and suggests an easy-going, benevolent atmosphere that borders on soporific. The reality is quite different in my experience...
John Merchant says that anyone who has lived elsewhere in America should allow at least twice or even four times as long in Florida for any task that they ned to have performed.
Then there's Florida road rage...
John tells you the things guide books would never dream of telling you. For nore of his choice words about life in the United States please visit American Pie in the menu on this page.
...My wife’s mother, who was six years old when she left Russia with her mother and two brothers, was not able to remember her place of birth except that it was near Kiev. She was approaching eighty when one day she turned away from watching television and said, “That was where I was born!” The TV was reporting the melt-down of the reactor at Chernobyl, near Kiev!...
John Merchant accompanies his wife on a search for her family identity.
For more of John's insightful columns on social trends in the USA please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...In the realm of the body beautiful, powerful commercial forces are at work persuading us that slim, long legged, blond haired, large breasted women with Barbie Doll faces are the desirable ones to procreate with. The “beautiful male” of the species is also tall, with dark eyes, beetling brows, a moody look, and abs you could scrub laundry on...
John Merchant says chemistry, medicine and technology now are much more powerful tools in attaining the standards demanded by those arbiters of the body beautiful.
For more of John's searching and sensible words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder - No More" »
"It requires only a single incident such as a burst water main or a chemical spill to bring significant sections of Manhattan to a grinding halt for hours,'' says John Merchant. "The failure of any one of hundreds of power distribution transformers can have the same effect. From time to time “band-aid” remedies like alternative side of the street parking and “bus only” lanes have been implemented, but these don’t address the root cause of the problem - too many people in too small a space.''
John says that bold decisions are needed to solve the problems of cities such as New York - then he proceeds to make a dramatic and practical proposal.
For more of John's enlightening columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Summer storms are usually daytime events, but just occasionally a front will come through during the night, sending the boat into bucking bronco gyrations, defying our attempts to sleep. Anything that can rattle, will, and on one trip, we spent four days on a mooring in Watchill harbor in just such conditions. The motion was so violent that the local yacht club tender was unable to come out and get us off. After four days we felt as though we’d spent them in a cocktail shaker....
Life aboard a sail boat can be idyllic, but expect to be shaken as well as stirred, as John Merchant reveals.
For more of John's columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...There is an urgency among cell phone owners that borders on hysteria, and it’s hard to view any group of people without seeing most of them on the phone. Who are they talking to, and why? Back in the days of pay phones, I don’t remember seeing long lines waiting to make that absolutely unavoidable, essential call...
John Merchant suspects that most cell phone calls are superficial and inconsequential.
For more of John's enlightening and enjoyable words about life today in the USA please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...My house was one of just a half dozen that were scattered on a ridge that overlooked the Chemung river valley. The house of my nearest neighbor, whom I had not seen or heard from in the two years since I’d moved in, was perhaps 250 yards away...
John Merchant found that he was not welcomed with open arms when he went to live un up-state New York.
For more of John's enlightening words about life in the United States please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...The cruise was all that we had looked forward to; quaint towns soaked in history, majestic hills with the hatched patterns of the vineyards, good beer, and of course, castle upon castle upon castle, all set against the swirling currents of the storied river. But though the cruise was truly a dream come true, getting to and from Europe was more like a nightmare...
John Merchant experiences the extreme discomfort of flying British Airways - and he's still waiting for his luggage which was lost at Heathrow airport.
Continue reading "It's The Journey That's Important - Not The Destination - Ha!" »
...On one level, I have a great deal of admiration for some of the packaging designers. I suspect their ingenuity got its start when they took up the Japanese art of origami. The things they can create from a flat piece of cardboard are mind boggling. Whenever I purchase a product packed in such a
container, the first challenge is how to get it open. The logical part of my brain says “This container, no matter how ingenious, is made from a flat piece of cardboard, and therefore all I have to do is carefully restore it to its original flatness.”
My illogical brain, the dominant part apparently, says “There is no way I can open this without destroying it.”...
John Merchant wrestles with cardboard and polyethylene.
To read more of John's well-packaged words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...As with any form of visual saturation, people have reached a point where the signs of various sorts don’t penetrate their consciousness anymore. Unfortunately, this stage of inurement has been reached at a time when official traffic signs are blossoming like weeds, which is a clear indication that signs are not read...
John Merchant is offended by the plethora of signs which blight the U.S. landscape - signs which challenge the comprehensive powers of the dim witted and goad motorists into racing starts when the traffic lights change to green.
For more of John's brilliant columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...But of all the fads and crazes, the one that is most difficult to explain is kayaking. It has been the sport with the longest gestation period, and its recent increase in popularity cannot be identified with a movie, or a personality who gained prominence in the Olympics, or anywhere else for that matter. Other than the specially constructed slalom courses that have been built in some high profile locations such as inner cities, the current population of kayakers do their thing unseen by most of the rest of the population...
John Merchant points out that 350,000 kayaks are sold annually in the USA - a mere splash in the ocean compared to the 18.2 million bicycles sold in the USA in 2006, but it is clear that the craze has reached critical mass.
For more of John's eminently readable columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…In Florida, where I live in the winter, there is little escape from the auditory presence of Japanese internal combustion engine technology. On the highways, my ears are assaulted by the 4-stroke, four-cylinder, liquid-cooled, 16-valve motorcycles put out by Suzuki and Yamaha etc. One road they travel is fully 250 yards from my house, but on a quiet night you could believe they were coming right through the bedroom…
Unlike many people who suffer hearing loss as they age, John Merchant finds that his hearing appears to be getting more sensitive – a disturbing phenomenon in increasingly rowdy times.
To enjoy more of John’s ever-readable columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...The many politicians democratic countries have trusted to lead them in the past have arrived at that pinnacle by similar, though not identical routes, almost like a marathon to decide the fittest if not necessarily the ablest. Given the enormous increase over the years in the complexity of world dynamics, one wonders if the job can ever again be performed successfully by one such person....
John Merchant suggests that in the best of all worlds perhaps a cloned leader would be the ideal.
For more of John's stylish and well-argued columns please click on American Pie in the menu on his page.
Continue reading "So What Kind Of National Leader Do You Really, Really Want?" »
...My bedroom looked out to Great Orme, and the call of the gulls would pull me out of bed at first light to climb as far up the cliff as I could, all the while being dived on by the agitated birds. The closer I got to their nesting ledges, the closer they got to parting my hair. To this day, all I have to hear is one gull call as I awake on my boat, to feel the thrill of that childhood experience...
Sounds and smells reawaken rich memories for John Merchant - and lucky are we readers that he shares them with us in this richly-evocative column.
For more of John's lively words please click on American Pie in he menu on his page.
Continue reading "Sense Me Up Scottie - (With Apologies To The Trekkies)" »
...The push to make things smaller and smaller has not relented. Computers that once filled a good-sized room, now will fit in the palm of your hand. Mobile telephones that needed to be carried in a shoulder bag, today are almost invisible when clutched to the caller’s ear, giving the impression that the caller either has an earache or a painful tooth....
But there are anomalous and antiquated inefficiencies that linger on in the technological stampede towards miniaturisation, as John Merchant reveals.
To read lots more of John's incisive columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…I comb the newspapers and watch TV news until I’m dizzy, but it’s a rare day when I learn of a decision and think “right on.” OK, so it’s easy to second guess the decision makers, but even to a lay person, many judgments look wrong-headed at the outset, and play out predictably. Ehud Olmert’s decision to invade Lebanon. President Bush’s decision to invade Iraq….
John Merchant wonders whether younger people would make better, wiser decisions.
For more of John’s thoughtful columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
Continue reading "Out Of The Mouths Of Babes And Sucklings" »
...It is possible to sail alone, lots of people do: most famously Sir Francis Chichester, the redoubtable Chay Blithe, and the mysterious Bernard Moitessier, to name but a few; and not to mention the thousands of weekend, single-handed sailors. But in the end, sailing is such a specialized, almost minority interest sport, that sailors are inevitably drawn together. Only then can they converse freely in the curious verbiage of their chosen avocation. Only among fellow aficionados are their adventures and accomplishments accorded the kudos they rightly deserve...
And the place to share experiences at the sailing club of which John Merchant is a member is the Geezer Bench.
To read more of John's splendid columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...In the animal world, males have been known to kill their offspring so that the female would be available for mating. That doesn’t make a lot of sense in the cold light of day, but then Mother Nature never intended us to make good sense out of sex...
John Merchant considers the role of women in society - particularly of those in Britain and the USA.
To read more of John's enlightening words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Americans love their country, and want everyone else in the world to benefit from what they see as the fruits of democracy and freedom. This allows for almost unquestioning support of their government when it decides on war as a way to bring “freedom” to what it perceives as an oppressed people. “My country right or wrong” is not an idle catch phrase...
John Merchant shares the pain and bewilderment of millions of United States citizens on finding that their country has unwittingly assumed the role of the world's villain.
To read more of John's insightful columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant says that at this time of year in New England, nature doesn’t stint on the entertainment.
"Many of the water birds now have young, and seem to want to stage them for everyone to see, like human parents at their daughters’ first dancing class recital.
The show might begin with a pair of geese, Momma leading, with Pa riding herd on a gaggle of goslings, exiting stage right. Moments later, entering stage left, a pair of elegant, white swans with their scruffy looking signets takes over the stage. Not to be outdone, a Mallard and his mate shepherd their young carefully through the performance. Then of course, no successful harbor performance could be put on without its chorus of immaculately costumed seagulls who contribute both grace and knock-about humor. For a dramatic finale, an Osprey hurls its self vertically from five hundred feet, wings folded, to snatch a fish from the water, hardly wetting its leg feathers.''
To read more of John's illuminating words please click on American Pie in the menu on his page.
...It is becoming clear that the whole world will feel the effects, and that none of the manifestations will be beneficial, at least the way it looks at the present time. Australia is suffering from its worst drought since 1900, along with record high temperatures; the polar ice caps are melting, and hurricanes are becoming stronger and more frequent. River deltas in low-lying countries are experiencing catastrophic flooding with loss of life, property and crops...
John Merchant wonders whether a shared "enemy'', global warming, will put an end to the internecine strife that divides so many countries today.
For more of John's thought-provoking articles please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant says he feels a kinship with the Afghani people, "perhaps because I share with them a feudal heritage, having grown up in England.
He respects the way they have set about restoring their society and infrastructure. "It seemed like only weeks after the Taliban were driven out that the schools were open, and for the first time in years, girls were attending. Gone were the oppressive burkas, and out came the make-up. Farmers were planting crops, and the markets were thriving in short order.''
For more of John's thoughtful words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant says the American auto industry seems to be bankrupt of ideas and unwilling to seek inovation from outside. Today cars made in Detroit hold barely half of the US market.
For more of John's perceptive columns about life in the United States please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
The "snowbirds'' are flying north, after wintering in Florida. Now, for a few weeks, until they too soar off to Connecticut, John Merchant and his wife can enjoy for a few weeks the reduced congestion and the spectacular flowering trees and bushes that are just starting to bloom - the violet Jacarandas, the orange blossoms, the Frangipani, and the bright orange, Royal Poinciana trees.
Florida misses its "snowbirds'' who are so willing to volunteer their time to help others, as John reveals.
...As a schoolboy who never saw any of my female counterparts in anything other than a knee-length gym slip, white blouse and tie, and black, lace-up shoes, it’s more than a little disconcerting to see a heavily made up 17 year old in 4 inch heels, a backless dress and plunging neckline, with a skirt split to her upper thigh...
John Merchant tells if an American ritual, the junior and senior high school prom. He suggests the contemporary prom is like a modern-day version of the maypole dancing that took place at this time of year on the village greens of merrie olde England and some European countries. "Young couples would twirl and rotate until they were dizzy, helped along by copious amounts of ale and mead. The dance would end with the young men carrying the girls off to a bower in the forest for some hey nonny nonny, thus ensuring a new crop of kinder the following spring.''
For more of John's perceptive accounts of life in the USA please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant writes about the neighbors we don't really know - neighbors who, occasionally, can turn out to be mass murderers or terrorists.
"Newspapers and TV pictures at the scene of such revelations generally show similar images of bewildered neighbors standing in the street, looking forlornly at the home that has recently housed such collectively evil and extreme passions. Almost irrespective of the country, the scene looks the same, and the interviews are carbon copies. 'They seemed like such nice people. We didn’t know much about them, but they always said 'hello' and never caused any trouble.''
To read more of John's illuminating columns please click on American Pie in he menu on this page.
John Merchant says that contrary to the hoary, vaudeville and Borscht Belt one-liners from which he drew his title for this column, he had good relationships with his three mothers in law.
Each one had a very different personality, and their lives contrasted, but they shared a remarkable ability to deal with the adversity that each of them had been dealt.
"The North American continent today is characterized by the population’s gravitation to the waterside. It began as a trickle and has swelled to a flood in the past twenty years, unabated by the various natural and man-made disasters that have imperiled those who would go down to the sea and the rivers,'' says John Merchant. "Nowadays you’d have to be a multimillionaire to afford a place with a view of the ocean, a river or a lake.''
For more of John's engaging and entertaining thoughts on life in the United States please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...We have a man-made, white sand beach, fringed with palm trees, and the whole scene, complete with Mediterranean style architecture, could easily be mistaken for a corner of the Italian Riviera. The several “villages” that the community is divided into all have Italian names, as do the streets; and the grand entrance is dominated by a fountain that would not disgrace Rome. Even the local shopping center is radiant with pink, amber and baby-blue stucco.
The lawns are watered and groomed, and there isn’t a weed or a bug in sight. No critters wander here, even though only a mile or so away there are signs warning of Florida Panthers. But they are on the outside, and know better than to encroach on our man-made paradise...
John Merchant tells of life in Florida's La-La Land, the fantasy communities that have sprung up to accommodate vacationers and retirees.
For more of John's thoughtful columns on life in the USA please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...A gentleman, whose name I can’t recall, wrote a book about the psychology of medicine. In it, he stated that the problem with doctors is that they are compulsive healers. The first doctor I went to in America, after having told him that I was perfectly healthy, gave me a thorough medical exam, finally announcing triumphantly that he had found a problem. “You have a pelvic deformity,” he said with glee....
John Merchant focuses his healthy good sense on the task of choosing a new doctor or dentist in the United States.
Read more of John's invigorating columns by clicking on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...Vast areas of wetlands and wilderness have been gobbled up by shopping malls, gated communities, strip development and just plain exurban sprawl. Very little land has been set aside for recreational use, and a trip to a post office or a municipal or government facility may require driving anything up to fifteen miles on congested roads...
But there is a worthy alternative to mindless exurban development in the USA, says John Merchant. The mixed use development concept - the idea of combinging commercial and business premises with private dwellings and restaurants, and placing emphasis on "walkability'' - is gaining in popularity.
Read more of John's thoughtful words by clicking on American Pie in the menu on this page.
…I left the store with a PC that could probably run a moon landing mission with breath to spare, and an LCD monitor that has a larger screen than most televisions I’ve owned. Feverishly, I hooked it up and waited with baited breath for my fist glimpse of Vista. And then there she was, promising more “wow” than probably my old heart could stand…
But there have been “tiffs’’ in John Merchant’s love affair with his new “girlfriend’’ – Microsoft’s latest computer operating system, Vista. She is so different to any other “girl’’ he has known that he simply can’t get the measure of her. “She was no pushover. Along with my new PC and monitor, I’d been talked into to buying some anti-virus software produced by Microsoft especially to protect my temptress. However, Vista was not persuaded and rejected the program.’’
To read more of John’s illuminating columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant has discovered that blogging seems to require a strong stomach for abusive and foul language.
"Why do these “writers” feel the need for the kind of unfettered self-expression that the rest of us find unsavory and even alarming? Is it that unspiced English is suddenly inadequate to forcefully express one’s true feelings, or is it that the inclusion of a heavy dose of expletives somehow makes the writing more persuasive?''
After pondering on the Internet equivalent of road rage John reaches a startling conclusion.
For more of his lively common-sense words please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
...So given that we, as a nation, don’t attach much importance to correct, understandable English, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that we don’t insist on it for our immigrants. The belief is sometimes expressed that America will ultimately separate into several countries along ethnic lines. That California and the west coast states will become an Asian nation, Texas and Florida Hispanic, and so on. The absence of a strong, unifying, national language is one sure way to facilitate that...
John Merchant says that while the US adopts a laissez faire approach to what, in his opinion, should be the national language, the rest of the world is moving towards English as being the universal tongue for diplomacy, business, science and education.
To read more of John's well-argued and enjoyable columns please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
..."How am I going to meet someone when I’m working on a farm all day? I already know everybody who lives around here, which isn't that many people! Maybe I'll try online dating."...
John Merchant tells of FarmersOnly.com http://farmersonly.com/, an on-line dating agency for folk who work on the land in the wide rural reaches of the United States.
For more of John's enlightening column please click on American Pie in the menu on this page.
John Merchant reports that road rage is rife in urban areas in the USA, "Cities in Florida have their own brand, mostly related to the impatience of young people when they encounter older drivers, of which Florida has a high proportion. When these young bloods encounter what they perceive as hesitancy, or even, dare I say, “careful” driving, or spot an out-of-town registration