Painful? Only When I Laugh?
Cyclist Enid Blackburn comes down to Earth with a bump.
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Cyclist Enid Blackburn comes down to Earth with a bump.
...It has been my misfortune to come into contact with many potentials who would benefit from a refresher course in good manners....
Enid Blackburn recalls displays of exceedingly bad manners.
Enid Blackburn confesses an addiction to reading "How To Succeed'' books - but "all the case histories supplied as bad examples sound just like me.''
To read more of Enid's delightful columns please click on In Good Company in the menu on this page.
The eyes are considered to be the ‘windows of the soul’ but always in my opinion hands can reveal all. That’s why I always wear gloves.
Enid Blackburn mentions nail nibbling, and other compulsive habits.
...Me at the age of thirteen, wearing a garter for a hairband, so tight I could only wear it for an hour if I wanted to stay alive. The photograph must have been taken at five to the hour, judging by the row of white blisters forming at the base of each root....
Enid Blackburn thinks that some "art'' works are best left in the box.
...After perusing the list, one of our dissidents, whose ambitions have fluctuated between becoming a librarian, a designer or hairdresser during the last month, has made her final decision. “I want to be housewife,” she declares...
Enid Blackburn muses on career choices.
...My powers of concentration are so vigilant on other occasions. For instance I can often repeat other people’s conversations on buses when not directed at me, word for word. But at meetings, no matter how hard I purse my lips or chew my pen, my mind shies from reality like a capricious truant...
Enid Blackburn is no lover of annual general meetings.
"Being seen in the fish shop queues in the early days of married life made me feel as guilty as a baths attendant caught smiling,'' says Enid Blackburn.
Now she unashamedly extols the delight of fish and chips on Fridays.
Can home-grown veg result in a happy life? Enid Blackburn ponders horticultural matters.
...While others greet this season with disinfectant, I am busy preparing my old deck chair and brochures for some serious outdoor study. Our holiday is booked, now all we have to do is save up the small fortune it will take to finance it. By the time the week arrives I should know every face in the brochure, I study them all closely for any visible signs of discontent...
Enid Blackburn welcomes the arrival of lighter days.
Enid Blackburn recalls old wives' cures for a variety of ailments.
...The realisation that this noisy red-cheeked bundle had to be fed and watered every time I wanted to put my feet up, overwhelmed me. I don’t know who was more alarmed by our first meeting – baby or me. It took us weeks to get over it, night after night we cried ourselves to sleep...
Enid Blackburn, five times a mum, shares some thoughts on new "arrivals''.
...Can you automatically cast the sheets and head for the toothpaste without batting an eyelid, or does your plunge into the coverless need half an hour’s careful consideration first?...
Enid Blackburn admits that she is not a morning person.
Enid Blackburn considers the future and reaches a philosophical conclusion.
...Years ago when we were fortunate to own a small part of history in Huddersfield, a few Christmas fairies and myself were discussing our future in an old dressing room at the Theatre Royal. We optimistically planned a meeting to take place ten years hence. With uncomfortable flying ballet harness protruding through the sequins and a mutual ‘cork tip’ wending its soggy way round the fairy ring, we cast our predictions for the future...
Enid Blackburn muses on the folk from her past that she would like to meet again.
...The party invitations ambitiously forecast a 4pm kick-off, and as the clock ticked towards 3 pm the first of the long-gowned guests arrived before I’d had time to clear away the baking mess and change from my working gear. The tension began. While I pick up the trail of coats, scarves, gloves, handbags and shoe bags, everyone unwraps the presents. By the time I return to suggest a game before tea, the dining table is half empty....
Enid Blackburn tells of the "horrors'' of organising children's parties.
...Trying out new dishes is as exhilarating to me as trying on a new outfit. I wish it had the same effect on my tea-time crowd. But George Bernard Shaw was right, ‘there is no love sincerer than the love of food.’ ...
But are Enid Blackburn's family as eager as she is to sample all kinds of food?
"Although we are all slapped to tears the moment we are born, a dry-eyed status seems to be a desirable asset as we mature, as if a trembly chin and bubbly eyes were something to be ashamed of,'' says Enid Blackburn.
But Enid advocates the value of a good cry.
…When it comes to describing ailments I have this exceptional talent. Of course it takes a lot of practice and not a little suffering…
Enid Blackburn confesses that she dreamed of being married to a doctor.
Here are Enid Blackburn's reflections in the midst of a bleak mid-winter some years ago.
To read more of Enid's delightful columns please click on In Good Company in the menu on this page.
This is the time of year when the package holiday firms go into overdrive, advertising their offers.
Enid Blackburn considers the weighty question: where to this year?
Amid the bustle of Christmas-nigh Enid Blackburn recalls Christmases past.
Amid the hassle and the fun of Christmas shopping Enid Blackburn stopped off in a cafe for a bite to eat.
....As I plunged the knife into the soft pie pastry, we both watched the rich brown mess gurgle forth. My mouth watered in anticipation and I was glad I hadn’t chosen the potato pie.
‘I wish I’d known you were having that, I could have warned you,’ was her opening gambit....
Enid Blackburn recalls party times - good and bad.
...We pushed with the rest of the crowds towards what we hoped would turn out to be the sea front. Trying to curl intransigent fingers of six to eight year olds into a controlling hand-clasp in the midst of Blackpool exuberance is not easy...
Enid Blackburn conveys all the magnificent, exasperating, unsurpassably tawdry joy of a day trip to Blackpool.
…We have been together now for over twenty years. In spite of the dark rings, the gammy leg and the indelible stains and wrinkles left by a lifetime of close proximity with intemperates, I could never bear to part with this dear companion….
Enid Blackburn is not writing about what you think she is writing about. Do read on…
…Glasses give wearers a new ‘lens of life’ and I have never seen a permanent wearer yet who didn’t look ill and strained without them. They disguise the parts that contact lenses never reach…
Enid Blackburn acknowledges that her eyes now need a little help in fulfilling their daily duties.
...It’s most frustrating for a garrulous person like me having to waste valuable talking time in outbursts of ‘Pardon?’ ‘What was that?’ or ‘Eh?’ A bewitching smile is not always a suitable standby, especially if your mumbler has just confessed his mother is dying of leprosy...
Enid Blackburn is surrounded by folk who seem to speaking through clenched teeth, or with forked tongues.
Enid Blackburn is all in favour of a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Parents.
...For a good wholesome economical stand-in you can’t beat home-made bread. Ignore the agnostics – believe me it is cheaper and it tastes better. Your man will adore its yeasty flavour: a whiff of hot bread has saved me from many a telephone bill explosion. It’s so easy a child could tackle it. If I didn’t enjoy baking it so much, mine probably would...
Enid Blackburn not only advocates baking one's own bread. She gives you a recipe, and tells you how to to about it.
Enid Blackburn looks back on her teenage days.
If you go down to the swimming baths today be prepared for wagging fingers and disapproving whistles, Enid Blackburn warns.
Continue reading "Don't Jump In - You Might Be Thrown Out!" »
Enid Blackburn turns her thoughts to garments to be worn during the dark days.
...‘When you get back your new shelf will be in position’ he said proudly.
This proved to be a profoundly modest understatement. When I returned two hours later, our new shelf, complete with brackets, was resting on the hall carpet and a hole as big as a golf ball was gaping above the radiator. Inside the cavity was a lead pipe decorated with an outsize lump of chewing gum...
Enid Blackburn tells of the days when the gasmen came to call.
…In between postman and insurance callers, I have managed to give my spare tyre an airing. Unfortunately as soon as I sprawl out in plump abandon, every fly in the neighbourhood decides it is time for the family to leave the rotting vegetation and go walkies on me…
Enid Blackburn copes with a spell of warm weather.
...I was just pulling faces at the dog while I waited for the sausage to brown, when the most painful sentence to date was passed upon me. ‘We are turning you off, love’ My blood ran cold and so did the sausage.''
Enid Blackburn tells what happened when the gas maintenance men came to dig.
…Actually, it’s just a matter of keeping them occupied and quelling the ‘What can I do?’ before it takes root….
Enid Blackburn presents a mum’s-eye view of the long school holidays.
…Sharp clicks here, a blinding flash there and another technicolour memory is preserved for the family album.
Living proof that dad lifted his head out of the deck chair, took off his jumper and said ‘cheese’ last Friday…
Enid Blackburn considers the mind-joggers of our favourite technicolour memories – holiday snaps.
Continue reading "Smile Please, I Want A Photo Of Your Knees" »
...‘Bum, by dose is blocked’ says malingering son on exam morning. We all have ways of dealing with this complaint, which can strike scholars from Monday to Friday. But a sniff of nasal spray is enough to send a reluctant son over the doorstep...
Enid Blackburn ponders the efficaciousness of TV advertising.
...The children had stopped being sick, no one with the exception of a one-eyed doll needed new shoes, the dog was not in love and I would shortly be the owner of a new hairstyle. What more could anyone wish for?...
Enid Blackburn hails a beautiful day. But can it last?
Enid Blackburn wonders how many of us take the trouble to notice our partner’s idiosyncrasies.
...After what seemed like an hour contemplating the empty tramlines, our deteriorating hairstyles and the children’s unalluring social habits, the carnival atmosphere began to decline. Depressing rumours concerning an accident further up the line began to circulate the dripping queue. A tram had stopped and almost let a passenger on...
Enid Blackburn experiences a wet day in Blackpool.
…Like the time a pregnant woman and I were awaiting our weekly prod at the maternity hospital. We were soon deeply engrossed in intellectual baby talk. ‘We don’t seem to be able to decide on a girl’s name this time,’ I confided, leaving out the fact that this was our fifth time round and suitable names were becoming a bit scarce.
She helpfully suggested a few which included the name of a relative’s slobbery-mouthed dog. ‘I wouldn’t even insult our dog with that name,’ I laughed, appreciating her sense of humour. My smile soon disintegrated, how-ever when she called her small daughter over using the same name…
The sparkling Enid Blackburn confesses to possessing the “gift’’ of being able to put her foot in her mouth.
Enid Blackburn enjoys a good old-fashioned family seaside holiday.
Continue reading "Tentatively Tottering Through The Tango" »
Getting ready for a holiday can be a time of trauma, as the irrepressible Enid Blackburn reveals.
... Clothes have a language all their own. At a local school meeting the interesting guest speaker amused us all with a few anecdotes concerning an old Slaithwaite family who dated back to 1700. The mood of one member could always be determined by the tilt of his bowler hat. When worn straight all was well, the more his temper deteriorated the further back it was pushed. If it reached the back of his head, everybody ducked!...
The delectable Enid Blackburn considers the messages in body language and the clothes we wear.
Enid Blackburn shares her excitement as she looks forward to a holiday.
…I gaze lecherously at the vac, my wet lips pouting sulkily and break into the sexiest song I know all the words to. Usually its Marlene Dietrich’s ‘Lili Marlene.’ Then I do my sultry hip roll down the hall (just missing the dog), my big toe poking seductively through the hole in my slipper, trying to fight my way through the writhing mass of admirers who are dying of unrequited passion by the kitchen door…
Enid Blackburn samples ‘loose’ living.
For more of Enid’s hilarious musings please click on In Good Company in the menu on this page.
Enid Blackburn presents some more delicious reflections on the domestic scene.
To read more of Enid’s engaging columns please click on In Good Company in the menu on this page.
… I was brought up with the idea that an open house is a happy house. Anyone who stayed at ours longer than two minutes was entitled to a cup of tea, my mother’s cure for all ills.
Consequently it was always full – and the kettle whistled eternally. The day war broke out my aunt arrived with two cousins and a large suitcase to stay until it ended. After three weeks of hilarious fun with our cousins, she got tired of waiting and we all had to wave a tearful goodbye…
But the delightful and ever-welcoming Enid Blackburn was never one to become a slave to housework.
…I think the horse trials would be a lot more interesting without the overworked horses. Look how much fun it would be watching the ladies toss their manes as they dive head first over the sticks.
Imagine the mounting tension as they scramble through the mud trying to get a foothold on the slimy bank as someone lends a few posterial whip-lashes for encouragement. Then I would really feel like applauding the winner…
Enid Blackburn thinks that the best place for a horse is somewhere where she isn’t.
A teacher once inscribed in a report on the academic work of Enid Blackburn’s son ‘Does not like to exert himself.’
‘Does this mean he is lazy?’ Enid and her husband Bill demanded on parents’ evening.
‘Yes,’ the teacher replied.
Enid, in her good-humoured style, wonders how well we know our children.
…Before the miracle of television, operations were something aunts whispered about, with painful upward glances, and lots of head shaking. Today the cameras sweep up to the bedside and we are almost hand in glove with the surgeon…
Enid Blackburn thinks that TV may be bringing us too much medical information.
…Take yesterday morning for instance. It started out as a typical day, cold, miserable with a hint of rain. Gazing through the window in my usual stupor and marvelling how the little birds found the strength to fly before dinner, I turned on the tap to wash up. The water gushed down forcefully on to an upturned cup and hit me full in the face! Then I expertly chopped an onion a la Fanny Craddock, after carefully putting the skins in the frying pan I threw the onions in the fire. I waved goodbye to my neighbour as I boarded a bus to town, then quarter of an hour later I waved again as I panted up the garden path to retrieve my purse from the kitchen table…
Enid Blackburn wonders if her memory is up to the task of allowing her to join the age of the freezer.
Enid Blackburn tells of that particular British occasion – the annual club outing.
…I recognised an old school teacher of mine the other day as soon as she smiled. The only other time I have seen her do this was when a few of us sneaked an eyeful through the staff room keyhole. She was on the headmaster’s knee laughing her head off. So this was what they did while we shivered outside in the playground!…
Enid Blackburn says we often remember people for the wrong reasons.
You can’t beat a day out in Blackpool, says Enid Blackburn.
Today we introduce a new columnist, Enid Blackburn. Enid worked in a public library in a Yorkshire township – a vantage point which gave her ample material to write about.
Enid, a delightful lady, is no longer with us. Her husband Bill gathered the columns she had written for a local newspaper and published them as a book. We are delighted to re-publish those columns on the Net.
Here Bill introduces Enid to Open Writing readers – then Enid, in her own breezy words, describes a certain sporting activity which commences in Yorkshire in the Spring of the year.