Home | Sandy's Say
...My son was secretly quite proud of the family patriarch but felt the need to hover at the base of each slide, like an anxious parent and physically pull his spluttering, tumbling grandad from the churning backwash. Grandad is not an overly proficient swimmer although he is currently having lessons. It’s never too late, even at seventy-eight...
The exhilirating Sandy James tells us of the wet and wild side of Aussie life.
...When did you stop stealing a peek at my cleavage and prefer me to cover up?...
There's wit, wisdom and the the soundest possible advice on how to maintain a loving relationship in Sandy James's words.
Every man should read this column. And the many women who also read it will smile and nod as they associate themselves with every question
...“Hey, guys,” she piped up. “I’m off to a fancy dress Valentine’s Day party this evening. The theme is ‘Red Hot Fantasy. Dress to Seduce.’ What can I go as? Any ideas?”...
The conversation wanders along unexpected paths at the school cricket match, as Sandy James reveals.
To read more of Sandy's deliciously frank columns please visit http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
“At every opportunity I scribble away. Suddenly, to my family’s alarm, I am no longer so readily available. There have been repercussions of course and complaints that there are seldom homemade biscuits in the cookie jar. A year on and the family is still in denial. Neither of them is taking me seriously.’’
Sandy James finds that writing is liberating her underutilized intellect.
And what a brilliant writer she is! Sandy is now being read worldwide on the Net. Her articles are also appearing in a newspaper.
...“Gingivitis went home and told his mum that he’d watched a movie rated “Aghrr” and she got all upset because she thought that he meant ‘R’ which stands for ‘restricted’”. Gingivitis acquired his nickname because of his red hair but it serves too, I am told, as a warning about his tendency towards halitosis...
Sandy James takes us into the keen-humoured world of an Australian high school.
To read more of Sandy's zestful columns please click on
http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...We have ‘friendly fire’ which is anything but pally and ‘hostile takeover bids’ where there is not a weapon in sight. What happened to good old fashioned haggling, I’d like to know? Consumerism has taken the ‘Christ’ out of ‘Christmas’ and whilst I am eternally grateful for the dire warning of the ‘loo’ in ‘vindaloo’, there is definitely no ‘fun’ to be found in ‘fundamentalism’...
Sandy James draws attention to the misnaming of this, that and the other.
To read more of Sandy's scintillating columns please visit http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...On this particular Saturday I had a more pressing concern on my mind as my parents were arriving from England the next day for a month long holiday.
“I’m going home to clean the oven,” I announced to the incredulous dads...
Sandy James's husband said “If she wants to clean the oven then you should just let her do it.”
But Sandy felt compelled to do some cleaning. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?
...It has struck me that the dead are just as compartmentalised and divided in the cemetery as they were in life. There is the Catholic Lawn, the Jewish Section, the Greek Orthodox Area, the Protestant Park, the Chinese Garden and the Italian Vaults – bodies separated into groupings of exclusive clubs based on culture, differing degrees of imposed guilt and determined by just which concept of a deity one was taught and indoctrinated about whilst one lived...
Sandy James considers terminal matters.
Don't miss this opportunity to read more of Sandy's columns. Click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…After several litters in quick succession the emaciated female Labrador resembled a drooping sack of pebbles. She began to lose the plot and she would rasp out her deep throated bark for hours on end, sometimes dueted by the male dog’s mournful howl. This would go on day and night..
Sandy James tells of being driven to the brink of insanity by noisy four-legged neighbours.
…Suddenly my restful watch was shattered. A magma of hot fear rose up within me. I could clearly see the outline of a sharp fin advancing towards the swimmers and my own “boys” were first in line. Time seemed eerily suspended as if I was living one of those awful moments in the movie “Jaws”…
Sandy James says that though the beaches around Sydney are once again pristine the resurgent schools of fish have attracted their predators – sharks.
To read more of Sandy’s brilliant words please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
So what was Sandy James's first thought when she saw the Google Mapping spyman.
“Oh my gosh, we didn’t mow the lawn this weekend and all the garbage bins are on the pavement today because it is collection day.”
Then she had to laugh at herself.
…Part of their secret to a lasting, fun relationship seemed to be communication. At the dinner party, they were the two sparking witticisms off each other. At one point he even licked his forefinger and chalked up a notch in the air, a victory…
Sandy James ponders upon what it takes to keep a marriage ticking reliably.
…Every dog, I thought to myself, should have a boy. What is so touching about their love for each other is that they both appreciate it right now, as they are living it, valuing what they have while it is still vital. Some people search their whole lives for such an intense, unconditional love and never find it. Others find it but only truly appreciate it once it is gone...
But a boy also needs a girl, and a loyal pet husky can also do its best to help in that endeavour as Sandy James reveals.
Intrepid columnist Sandy James, daring to go where other writers (male or female) fear to tread, introduces us to a new game – Acid Rain.
...Then there are the currawongs which are notorious for dive bombing unsuspecting pedestrians during the nesting season. Our beleaguered postman wears stegosaurus spikes on his motorbike helmet as a form of defence...
Sandy James, who was introdued to the compulsive attraction of bird watching by her loveable yet crazy Yorkshire grandad, now introduces us to Australia's colourful bird life.
To read more of Sandy's hugely entertaining columns please visit http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...This is why Harry and his conspirators focus solely on the dishes in the sink and are selectively blind to all else in the kitchen. It is commonly referred to as ‘domestic blindness’ and it also accounts for the phenomenon where males cannot see what they are looking for even when it is directly in front of them in the cupboard. I have noticed however that they do seem to have an uncanny radar for finding biscuits, chocolates and beers no matter how carefully they are hidden...
The irrepressible Sandy James explains to peculiar yet predictable behaviour of the household male.
To read more of Sandy's entertaining columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
What’s in a name? Well for one thing there can be an all-too-obvious warning, and for another a huge plateful of embarrassment as Sandy James reveals after summoning the courage to announce the place of her birth.
To read more of Sandy’s delicious columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...She remained perplexed however by the hole in the wall that spat out money. No matter how hard she tried she could not make banknotes magically appear as they seemed to do for the rich people. She became an avid user of the telephone but she drove my father scatty by shouting the whole way through her conversations. He did not understand that in Zulu culture it is considered rude to talk softly or whisper in case one is misconstrued as gossiping about someone who is present...
Sandy James tells of the sad end to the life of a Zulu called Beauty, who, although her appearance did not match her name, was an extraordianry and fiercly determined woman.
To read the first part, and other stories and articles by Sandy, please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
Sandy James begins her account of a Zulu called Beauty, who, although her appearance did not match her name, was an extraordinary and fiercly determined woman.
The concluding part of this fascinating tale will appear in Open Writing next Thursday.
To read more of Sandy's words, including another memorable Zulu story, please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…Quite by accident I had discovered that there is an amazing window of opportunity in a child’s developing intellect before they even start school and the best way to stimulate this is by reading to them on a daily basis…
Sandy James extols the joys and benefits of reading aloud to a child. If only every youngster was lucky enough to have such a mother!
To read more of Sandy’s stimulating columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…When I anxiously drove my son to school, every car, on or off the road, was the same colour – you guessed it - mud orange. All that we could see were faces peering out of the crescent shaped gaps where motorists had tried to scrape away sufficient dust by using their windscreen wipers…
Sandy James brings a colourful account – what else? – of the day when Sydney, Australia, turned orange.
For more of Sandy’s brilliant columns please click on
http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…When is it exactly that one’s body goes from being an object of sexual attraction to being a fright? Nature is surreptitious at first but then she accelerates with alarming alacrity. She strikes with a cruel, double blow because just as we start shrivelling, drooping, expanding and forgetting, our children begin to enter their prime and blossom by growing taller, slimmer, firmer and smarter in an ‘in your face’ kind of way…
The inimitable Sandy James contemplates the ageing process with wry resignation.
To read more of Sandy’s superb columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…Suddenly a brightly coloured bucket swirled up enticingly close to us. I stood up to retrieve it when our son, who was going through that fiercely independent stage, said, ‘No, me get it!” Suitably chastised, I watched as he toddled over to the bucket and lifted it up. I noticed in horror that it was full of stinging bluebottles - a type of nasty jellyfish. Before I could stop him he had tipped the whole lot over his body and he began to scream in sheer pain…
Sandy James tells of a crisis on Zenith Beach.
To read more of Sandy's entertaining columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...The skywriting planes around here don’t scribble, “Marry me Jane.” They are on a far more serious mission and write, “Pray for rain.”
On Sunday it was so hot that I felt like I was standing in front of a fan forced oven with the door open and nowhere to hide...
Sandy James is finding it difficult to remain upbeat and of a cheery disposition when everything around her Australian home is frizzled, fried and on fire.
To read more of Sandy's superlative columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...So dads, whether your children are into basketball or ballet, are six or sixty, spend time with them. Listen to their opinions, doubts and fears without mocking them because father does not always know best. Your children need to know in this turbulent world that you, at least, are on their side...
Sandy James offers this kindly advice to dads of all ages.
To read more of Sandy's columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
…I find that the contents of grocery cupboards and fridges are suddenly filed. The linen is magically neatened and folded by the same cupboard fairy. The dishwasher is permanently sensibly organized. The margarine is scraped in geometric lines, the hosepipe is arranged in perfect concentric circles, cereal packets are wedged down firmly and precisely and the bread and cheese are cut into militant rows…
In this utterly delicious column Sandy James tells what it is like to be married to a man with an orderly mind.
To read more of Sandy’s words please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
...the next most important matter is grooming, not so much what you look like but rather what you smell like. Personally I like the smell of Brut Deodorant and no, they are not yet one of my sponsors. Women have much more sensitive olfactory senses than men. Even if a man steps out of a Lamborghini Countach he will get nowhere if he is unshaven and greets a woman with a wave of body odour and halitosis. If he has grubby toenails that resemble talons or a bed of blackheads in his ears a woman is guaranteed to notice and make a hasty retreat....
Sandy James offers some first class advice to men on what they should do to make themselves attractive to women.
Sandy James tells of the “delights’’ of being the mother of a sporting son.
To read more of Sandy's brilliant columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
“I don’t have an ordinary leg of lamb today, Arthur,” the butcher said, “but I do have a rolled, deboned one instead. Would you like it?”
“No lad,” replied Arthur, “if I’ve learnt anything in seventy years of marriage it is that I’m not qualified to make such a decision.”
Good-humoured Sandy James finds that pensioners’ day in her local supermarket is more entertaining than you might expect.
To read more of Sandy's satisfying column please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/sandys_say/
Sandy James wears a special outfit to persuade tradesmen to carry out household repairs for very little cash, and sometimes for free.
Interested Then do read on.
Sandy James offers a first-class high-speed tip to ladies looking for a man. Don’t spend your money on clothes and grooming. Buy yourself… Ah, do read on to find out what.
…It seems that all I have to do is show up to be an automatic embarrassment to my son…
Our new columnist Sandy James brings delight with this very funny column about the joys of being the mum of a teenage son.
Sandy James introduces us to Boniface Magwaza, a Zulu-speaking store security guard.
Boniface is most certainly not as stupid as some folk think. He's a character you are going to love.
Settle down for a long, luxurious read.
We are delighted to announce that Sandy will regularly be contributing to Open Writing. Her first column appeaqrs next Friday.
