A Million And A Million And A Million...
"I loathe money so deeply that I get rid of as much as I can as quickly as I can,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
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Home | Skidmore's Island
February 16, 2012
February 09, 2012
Budget? BODGET
"There will always be an England - which when you see how it has turned out is a pity,'' writes a seriously disenchanted Ian Skidmore.
February 02, 2012
Don't Be Alarmed
...Thus the burglar alarm has its eye on us. It waits to mock us if we put a foot wrong. It knows if we are trying to trick it by remaining in the house when it has been set...
The irreplacable Ian Skidmore takes another deliciously dystopian look at the present-day world.
January 26, 2012
I Don't Care Who Glasgow Belongs To
"Why, one wonders, are we loading ourselves with debt, traffic jams and bomb attacks by importing a foreign version of an English original?''
Columnist Ian Skidmore has qualms about the forthcoming Olympics in the UK.
January 19, 2012
For The Why Jump?
...New Year’s Day saw another costly parade. This one launched The Yawn of the £9 billion Olympics, the most costly sports days in history. Lord Coe announced that it was a victory for sportsmanship at roughly the same time the Culture Minister warned that the biggest betting fix in history was already threatening every event. We had already been alerted that this triumph of sportsmanship was such an obvious terrorist target the army has been called in to defend it...
Ian Skidmore will not be cheering the progress of the Olympic flame through his native land.
January 12, 2012
Let Us Prey
...In place of a paper hat I wore the livery of the S.A.S. (The Scrooge Appreciation Society which I founded many years ago), a woolly hat emblazoned ”Bah Humbug”, carpet slippers and capacious track suit bottoms.''
Ian Skidmore declares a loathing for Christmas.
January 05, 2012
The Thoughts Of Christopher Hitchens
"The passing of Christopher Hitchens did little for my Xmas spirit,'' writes Ian Skidmore, passing on some of the iconoclast's wise words quoted in the New York Times.
December 29, 2011
A Sad Moment And A Rum Do
"The great joy of authorship is researching, gradually assembling the building blocks of books. The excitement of discovering gems of information which others have missed; of gradually bringing your subject to life,'' says author and journalist Ian Skidmore.
December 22, 2011
Bench Marked
"I used to go for walks. Now I have a daily stumble. More particularly I stumble from bench to bench in our lovely riverside park where the water is fringed by magnificent giant willows. I can sit for hours drinking in their beauty,'' writes Ian Skidmore.
December 15, 2011
Red Tape Challenge
Ian Skidmore tells of a threat to a famous railway.
December 08, 2011
What Is Education For?
"Science and law and rhetoric are what universities were invented for,'' declares Ian Skidmore. "The rest is jobs for the boys.''
December 01, 2011
Two Different Doctors' Surgeries
Ian Skidmore tells a tale to highlight delays in medical treatment for two-legged creatures.
November 24, 2011
Be Fair To Greeks Seeking Gifts
"I am Greece made flesh. Long holidays, short working weeks, high pensions. Fine by me. And if my debts are being paid by the Germans who seventy years ago subjected Greece to cruel occupation and slave labour, then bring it on,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
November 17, 2011
I Am A Motorway
...So many golden memories. Asking the opera giant Geraint Evans how he got the ideas for his splendid make ups and being told, “If I had known you when I was preparing Falstaff I would have modelled him on you.” And then shortly afterwards getting a photo inscribed “From One Falstaff to Another”...
At the end of a dolorous week the wonderful Ian Skidmore finds solace in his memory bank.
November 10, 2011
Welsh Squelched
"In another life I was Welsh so I took Wales's World Cup debacle very personally indeed,'' writes the irrepressible Ian Skidmore in another hugely entertaining column.
November 03, 2011
Hot Air
Ian Skidmore shines a spotlight on recent EU regulations. No comment needed!
October 27, 2011
Unkindest Cut Of All
...And then I saw it. A tray of Barnsley Chops. Can there be a soul so dead it is a stranger to the Barnsley Chop? A palate so starved of joy it has never felt the caress of meat so sweet it could flavour cake? Surely not...
But all was not as should be in what, up to to that point, Ian Skidmore had thought to be a Heavenly butcher's shop.
October 20, 2011
The Real Downton
...When she felt the urge for horizontal gardening she had an arrangement with one of the gardeners at Highclere. She later told a friend how she would stand away from her desk in one of the windows and that was the signal to summon him....
Ian Skidmore, after pondering on Count Dracula and his ways, reveals surprising facts relating to a certain blue-blood lady.
October 13, 2011
Sick Note
Columnist Ian Skidmore writes from a hospital bed.
October 06, 2011
Wales Is A Limitedd Company
"Wales is a Limited Company run by a small group of families, however much the Welsh Government preens itself,'' writes Ian Skidmore.
September 29, 2011
Sex Education
"Broadly speaking I am in favour of sex education,'' writes Ian Skidmore.
September 22, 2011
There Were Other Towers..
Ian Skidmore reminds us of the first infamous bombing raid on civilians.
September 15, 2011
If At First You Do Not Fail, Try Again
...Government interference cost us our export trade, our police force, our rail system and our education structure. Legislation outlawed the discipline of our young and crackpot theories ruined traditional teaching methods.
We were led by the nose into the Common Market and as a direct result our freedoms have been eroded, our courts superseded and our industry wrecked...
To say that Ian Skidmore is disenchanted with the present state of affairs in his native land would be the understatement of the century.
September 08, 2011
It's All Eyewash
...I have another two words for getting Tweeters off the streets. Digital Recorders. They fit snuggly next to the whistle and all the other toys the Politically Correct PCs carry. Out of the question, I suppose. They are succesfully in use in the US, where they arrest wrongdoers , bundle them into the police van and speak the arrest details into the recorder. When the tapes are full, they are collected by a single officer and are taken back to HQ, plugged into computers and the recordings are automatically transcribed...
Ian Skidmore has a recommendation to improve policing in the aftermath of rioting in certain English cities.
September 01, 2011
The Swarming Of The Flies
"The art of politics is a constant effort to repair the harm done by the preceding politicians,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
August 25, 2011
A Yen For Your Thoughts
"Whenever I have been broke it meant that I had no money. Apparently the same rules do not apply to countries.
"America, which rents its homeland from China, hasn't got enough ready cash to pay its civil service. But for some reason that does not mean America is short of money. It baffles me in the way I used to baffle the Midland Bank,'' writes Ian Skidmore.
August 18, 2011
Till Debts Do Us Part
"The purpose of what is now called bullying in the army was simple. It was to make a soldier more afraid of his own NCOs than he was of the enemy. We are now told that this is disgraceful. That harsh discipline robs soldiers of their dignity. That we must be kinder to the young men who fight for us.
May I, as an old soldier, say that this is rubbish,'' asserts Ian Skidmore.
August 11, 2011
Chinese Crackers
Ian Skidmore bridles at being banned in China.
August 04, 2011
A Reluctant Monarchist
"For most of my life I have been a reluctant monarchist; approving the office but loathing the occupants of any post-Plantagenet dynasty,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
July 28, 2011
Alice In Llandudno
"Fantasy is essential to Nationalism. It enables people to forget that the road to Nationalism leads to the gates of Belsen,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
July 21, 2011
Silly Clown Valiant
"Lets face it. Five books is a lot for one finger but it is the only way I can type and I have had five books commissioned, bubbling away in the little room above the eyebrows, begging to be let out,'' writes ace journalist and author Ian Skidmore.
July 14, 2011
What Fright From Yonder Window Breaks...
...Mr Fellowes assures us he is writing a film script which is both sensual yet tasteful enough to avoid accusations of child exploitation. His version, he insists, “keeps pretty true to Shakespeare but is more accessible. We tell the story more economically too.”...
Ian Skidmore bridles at a proposed new production of Romeo and Juliet.
Continue reading "What Fright From Yonder Window Breaks..." »
June 30, 2011
Vet Debt
Ian Skidmore does not share the national perception created by romanticised TV porgrammes that all Vets are Good Eggs and probably Scottish Porridge eating philanthropists to a man.
June 23, 2011
Taz
The inimitable Ian Skidmore tells of urgent measures taken to confine his dog Taz who is a demanding patient.
June 16, 2011
Lions Led By Donkeys
Ian Skidmore puts in an impassioned plea for Britain to be a little nation, bothering no one.
June 09, 2011
Every Day Has Its Dog
"I am concerned that vets are becoming the Dick Turpins of our day. On degree day they wear a black mask with their gowns and mortar boards. Compared to Vets the Great Train Robbers were a Hospital Saturday Fund,'' says Ian Skidmore whose dog Taz is being treated for a broken leg.
June 02, 2011
Statements To The Cemetery Please
Ian Skidmore draws our attention to the following report which appeared in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.
May 26, 2011
The Brightest Star
...She was a successful novelist and short story writer, a painter, a maker of exquisite miniature rooms and a gardener, though her garden was a toy wheelbarrow. She made jewellery and greetings cards, lace and tapestries on tiny canvases with a miniature needle and very fine thread...
Ian Skidmore pays tribute to a most remarkable human being.
May 19, 2011
England, Please Can I Come In?
...The girl said, “Don't forget to bring proof of your nationality.”...
Columnist Ian Skidmore is dumbfounded by a request for proof of his nationality.
May 12, 2011
A Health To Their Majesties
Ian Skidmore brings a different take on the royal wedding.
May 05, 2011
Charity Begins At...Whom?
"I suspect great waves of charity,'' says columnist Ian Skidmore. "Children in Need makes millions, we are told. I used to take part in it every year on BBC Wales but it was some time before it struck me that my voluntary efforts were giving the BBC days of free broadcasting. It was surprisingly difficult to get the BBC to pay me for my appearances so that I could give the fee to charity.''
April 28, 2011
Myth Stress
...Another legend tells of the attempts of Vortigern to build a castle on Dinas Emrys. Every time it was built, it collapsed. Merlin explained the reason was that the dragons were fighting underground. The truth of the myth is probably that the primitive Welsh saw the long pennants the Roman legions marched behind that “wriggled” in the wind. To further banjax the foe, the Romans attached whistles to the flags that screamed in the wind....
The irrepressible Ian Skidmore ruminates on a variety of myths.
April 21, 2011
Vienna
"I think if I lived in Vienna I would be smiling all the time. It must be the loveliest and least aggressive city in Europe, with the most helpful population,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
April 14, 2011
Nightmares I Have Ridden
...I have danced a reel with the late Queen Mary, naked save for her velvet toque hat. Once, to hide my nudity, I borrowed a suit from King George VI, which is ridiculous. I have got a watch chain that weighs more than he did. My lips are permanently sealed in the matter of Princess Margaret, the bucket of G and T and the Courgette...
Ian Skidmore illuminates the curious effects of drinking Lemsip.
April 07, 2011
Intermess
Ian Skidmore foresees doom an gloom in the UK if the internet is switched off.
March 31, 2011
A Fully Paid Up Stoic
"Pick your four favourite MPs? I couldn't pick four I would trust to take Taz, my long dog, for a walk. I don't just mean contemporary MPs. I mean since politicking started in the 17th century,'' declares columnist Ian Skidmore.
March 24, 2011
Dr Jekyll - But What HappenedTo Make Hyde Hide?
...What is this fuss over library closures? Close them all. The argument in their favour is outdated. Certainly I was educated in them and the best moment in my young life was when I qualified for an adult ticket and could borrow four books at a time. Today you can download around two million books free of charge and buy new ones online at a greatly reduced price. Second-hand paperbacks are available for the price of an ice cream or a lollipop. The few people who haven't got assorted computers could be given them free...
Bookman Ian Skidmore is moving with the times - or should that be The Times?
Continue reading "Dr Jekyll - But What HappenedTo Make Hyde Hide?" »
March 17, 2011
Surly Bath Time
summoned the fire brigade. Through that brief sentence flows a river of tears...
The irresistibly humorous Ian Skidmore says he no longer writes about comic happenings - he lives them.
March 10, 2011
An End To Satire
"There was a time when I felt the kingdom was a tragedy: I did not know it would become a farce.''
Ian Skidmore despairs of a disunited Kingdom.
March 03, 2011
The Past Is My Favourite Country
...The past has a beginning and an end but the present has only a beginning, which merges into the future, and that is somewhere I have no wish to go. Indeed, I often wonder if it will exist...
Ian Skidmore says that life was more fun in the past.
February 24, 2011
“Pick Me Up, Tie Me To My Chair And Fill Up My Glass.”
Ian Skidmore declares his allegiance to books - then, now and for ever.
Continue reading "“Pick Me Up, Tie Me To My Chair And Fill Up My Glass.”" »
February 17, 2011
Heavenly Pavilions
...In my day there were two certain ways to get information from the police. Either join the Masons or pay for it in cash or kind...
Retired journalist Ian Skidmore takes a critical look at recent events.
February 10, 2011
A Touch Of The Old Adam
...I do not do reverence but I am very strong on awe. I am gripped by it at
the thought of the flower crouched in a tiny seed and the magic of
creation...
Ace columnist Ian Skidmore voices dyspeptic views on religion and the state of his homeland.
February 03, 2011
Pant O'Mine
Zestful columnist Ian Skidmore, victor in many a deadline battle, points out that it was a journalist who invented the modern pantomime.
Do visit Ian's superlative Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
January 27, 2011
Fat Tails
...Never mind every dog has its day. In today's tabloids every day has its dog story. So with Herodotus. He knew his readers liked stories about lovable animals. So he told the story of a breed of sheep which was prized for its fat tails. Tails which were so fat and so heavy that the shepherd made little carts that the sheep dragged carrying their tails behind them...
Ian Skidmore goes travelling, with tabloid Herodotus as his guide.
Do visit Ian's Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
January 20, 2011
Wishing On A Star
...Her debut album with Universal, "The Choirgirl, Isabel" was released under the Decca label. She has already recorded duets with Bryn Terfel and Aled Jones, who with characterstic kindness has agreed to be her mentor....
Ian Skidmore introduces us to Isabel Suckling, a relative of his who is destined to become a big name in the musical world.
January 13, 2011
Would Man Spare That Tree?
Ian Skidmore recalls in hilarious detail a Christmas tree which was a long way from being free.
Do visit Ian's sizzling Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
January 06, 2011
Wellie I Never
Ian Skidmore tells a tale that is sure to please.
For further richly-entertaining reading do visit Ian's Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
December 30, 2010
Turkey Trotted
...A third guest said: "Yes, we have" and grabbed the parcel of
chicken from where it had been roosting under my arm.
Everyone but me applauded the skill with which the next
guest, a rather showy chap, executed a back pass with my
parcel between his legs...
Having watched his Christmas "feast'' being demolished an impoverished Ian Skidmore was then the recipient of a surprise gift.
December 23, 2010
Balletomania
"The pinnacle of Christmas is reached for me when I watch, as I do every year, Miyako Oshida, the ultimate Sugar Plum Fairy, and her Prince, Jonathan Cope, dance the magical Grand Pas de Deux in the Royal Ballet's production of the “Nutcracker”, choreographed by Pepita,'' declares Ian Skidmore.
For more of Ian's high-spirited words do visit his Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
December 16, 2010
Louses Of Parliament
...Scoop a netful of the pond life which swims in the waters of Westminster. Ask them why they came into Parliament. With one voice they will utter the mantra, “We wanted to make a difference.”...
Ian Skidmore casts cold eye on Britain's Parliamentarians.
December 09, 2010
Up With This I Will Not Put
Ian Skidmore concentrates on a most meaningful and much-used word. Up sticks and at 'em Skidders!
Do visit Ian's brilliant Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
December 02, 2010
A Very Oily Cart
Columnist Ian Skidmore sees elements of Gilbert and Sullivan operas in the manoeverings of Britain's politicians and military men.
November 25, 2010
Bobby On The Beatup
"Murder Inc, or the Metropolitan Police as it is more generally known, appears to be getting away with murder,'' declares ace columnist Ian Skidmore.
November 18, 2010
Fen Sing
...All over the Fens there are churches and cathedrals which are treasures. The people make an effort if the landscape doesn't. Wonderful pubs, many with good restaurants. and thatched cottage villages. There is a Straw Bear festival, river festivals, and at Christmas there's a 'Extravaganza' in a village of 400 which attracts 40 busloads of visitors a night...
Ian Skidmore sings the paises of England's Fenland.
November 11, 2010
Kick A Gift Horse In The Mouth Week
...I pass over Nudie Ice Cubes with a wellbred shudder,
offering the same response to Zany Nudey Party Glasses in the
shape of a human body and made - in the coy language of the
catalogue - "each with the details that make the
difference. Four and a half inches high."...
Ian Skidmore was far short of being filled with desire when he surveyed the offerings in a gift catalogue.
Do visit Ian's Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
November 04, 2010
Out, Out Brief Celebrity
Today Open Writing welcomes a new columnist, Ian Skidmore.
And what a columnist! Ian is a star entertainer. Allow him to introduce himself.
**
I was educated in paperback . M.A. (Penguin) Without punctuation or shorthand I have been a reporter and author of 26 books,largely because I went into the wrong office in the army to dodge a vengeful RSM and within an hour was on my way to cover the Berlin airlift as an army PR sergeant.Two hours after being freed from an army prison as a private (It was a bum rap but I have never ceased to be grateful,because otherwise I would be a retired bus driver now.) For fity years I also wrote newspaper columns, so many that I ws known in the trade at the Parthenon Kid. I have been atop more columns than Simon the Stylite. I was also one of the few BBC presenters who hadn't been in the Footlights. I worked for BBC Wales for 30 years and ws awarded a Golden microphone for services to broadcasting. A month later I was dropped because I was English. Which proved BBC bosses don't listen to the radio.
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