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Bonzer Words!: Spiders As Passengers

Ever had a spider drop down from the sun visor right in front of you while you're traveling at 95 miles per hour down the freeway,'' asks Anna Mancini. Imagine the cop calling in the accident. "Yeah, that's right, we have another Insidious Insect Incident...''

Anna's hilarious articles also appear in Bonzer! magazine. For a good read click on http://www.bonzer.org.au

Have you ever had a spider drop down from the sun visor right in front of your face while youíre traveling at 95 miles per hour down the freeway?

I wonder how many accidents have been caused by this phenomenon? No one has the guts to tell the police they were afraid of a pin-head sized baby spider that flung itself onto their face, causing them to spit, blow puffs of air, and fling their hands about wildly, slapping themselves in the face, and taking their hands off the steering wheel, thereby causing them to lose control of the car!

Iíll bet there has never been an accident report written up with that explanation on it. I can just hear the cop calling in the accident, ďYeah, thatís right, we have another Insidious Insect Incident. This oneís pretty bad. The car is totaled, the driver is seriously injured, but that darn spider got away again.Ē

Would it be financially prudent to sit in your car at a parking meter until all your pre-paid time is up, even if youíre done with your errands?


ROAD SIGNS

These are little messages from your loving government just to remind you that they truly do care. That is until you disobey one of these signs, then your butt belongs to them.

ROAD CREWS WORKING AHEAD. Now this one is an outright lie, because weíve all driven past clusters of road crews, standing in a circle around a big hole in the ground, smoking cigarettes. drinking coffee, and doing absolutely nothing, at ďcost plusĒ prices to the taxpayer, no less!

And how about the ones that say, ROUGH ROAD AHEAD. Donít you think this should be printed on the tops of all marriage and birth certificates?

How about these signs that tell you thereís a TELEPHONE at the next exit. Iím sure there are lots of phones at the next exit, but you donít get to use any of them. The pay phones that even exist anymore are usually broken and have you ever tried to get anyone to let you use their phone? They wonít even let you use their bathrooms. Donít bother trying to call home from here. Better yet, get with the program and get a cell phone. If 3rd graders can carry them at school, you can get one for your car.

And the NO HITCH HIKERS signs on the freeways. I love that one. Yeah, like someone driving 190 miles per hour is going to stop all of a sudden and pick up a hitch hiker. I donít think so. And who picks up hitch hikers anymore anyway? The sign should read, ONLY IDIOTS PICK UP HITCH HIKERS.

I love the signs you see out in the rural areas of the countryside that read NO SHOOTING by county ordinance. No kidding. Why donít they have these signs posted in the big cities?

The one sign that seems to scream out good old American patriotism to me is the one that tells you to be a hero and turn in anyone who is illegally driving in the carpool lane. REPORT VIOLATORS CALL 555-HERO. Now, hereís a fast road to fame. Be a hero and rat on someone alone in a car, minding their own business, but severely undermining American democracy by driving in the car pool lane. Give me a break. And why do empty busses still get to use the car pool lane? Thereís only one person in them - the driver. Iím turning the next one in. I want to be a hero.

Isnít it bizarre that youíre a hero for turning someone in who drives in the wrong lane on the freeway, but youíre a rat-fink if you turn in someone who throws garbage out their car window and trashes up our roads. And youíre a dead man if you turn someone in for drugs, murder or other criminal offenses.

Now, which one would you rather be? I donít know about any of you, but Iím going to be a hero. Iím going to turn in every car I see with only one person in the car pool lane, even if itís just for a short time. They canít get away with this. Itís how Iíll fulfill my civic duty and sleep at night.

Just once Iíd like to see a sign that says, DRIVE IN ANY LANE, JUST MOVE YOUR FANNY !

Do police get tickets, or have their insurance canceled for speeding?


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