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Bonzer Words!: If Grandmothers Were In Charge Of Christmas

Anna Marie Bangs, in this delicious prelude to the goodwill season, assures us that Christmases would be somewhat different if grandmothers were running things.

Anna writes for Bonzer! magazine. For more absorbing words visit www.bonzer.org.au

Christmas would always be on a Sunday, no matter what, and not before 10 am.

Santa would have to come through the front door like everyone else, wipe his feet, take his shoes off while he was in the house, and vacuum up the pine needles that fell off the tree while he was putting presents under it.

He would have to clean his plate of cookies and finish his milk. No more of this business of a half-empty glass and one bite out of each cookie.

That delicious smell of "grandma's cookies" would be bottled and sold as "Fond Memories".

The reindeer would be required to be tethered to a street lamp post so as not to "soil" the flower beds or the lawn.

The angels and elves would have to wear all those warm coats, hats and gloves that we lovingly made for them as they fly around the world—no exceptions. (Well, except in Australia where they would be required to wear all those matching shorts and flowered shirts that we painstakingly made for them as gifts).

Christmas carol singing would have to be a lot louder and sung more slowly, preferably while holding up picture cards because hearing aids just don't do well with a lot of background noise.

Traditional Christmas food would be required by law to include green jello with chopped celery & mayonnaise in it, as well as a dish of grated carrots and raisins in mayonnaise and vinegar, and of course all those honestly delicious pies that so many of us grandmas know how to make from scratch. In Australia, the family would have to supervise the baking of the traditional flaming Christmas pudding to make sure that the small favour baked inside isn't one of our hearing aid batteries.

Gifts would be required to have clear wrapping on them so we can remember which one we wrapped for whom.

Any Christmas tree decorations NOT made by precious grandchildren would be outlawed.

All greeting cards would have to be printed in size 28 font so we can actually read what we're crying about with joy.

Eggnog would come in 23 flavors and include additives like prunes, milk of magnesia, alka seltzer and Metamucil, and be served at every meal throughout December. Hey this could catch on!

Plastic light-up, talking, rocking and singing Santas, as well as all those four foot high plastic outdoor candles, reindeer, snow men, angels, elves, nativity scenes, strings of 20,000 lights, and ceramic Christmas trees with plastic gum drops for lights would be brought out from our attics, basements or garages to decorate every major city in the world. Of course, tents and beach umbrellas would be required for the Australian cities so the 100 degree weather doesn't melt these cherished heirloom articles.

"Granny square" crocheted afghans would become legal tender for bartering for new holiday décor. (I believe I made over 50 of these in the 70s! Hey, I could be sitting on a fortune!)

That 60 pound, 12 inch diameter fruit cake that we baked thirty years ago—you know, the one our family keeps passing around to each other because no-one wants to eat it or make us feel badly because someone threw it away—would now make a great tree ring to weight the tree to the floor.

Furniture would be crammed into one corner of the living room for the entire month of December to accommodate the now 250-piece collector's ceramic Christmas Village that lights up and twinkles, blinding automobiles that pass by the front of the house at night.

And, hugs and kisses would be the only way anyone could get through the front door for any holiday for the rest of the year!



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