The Scrivener: One Way Ticket
“People who knew him described Nosbert Fleem as the most unforgettable character they had met. In most cases they tried hard to forget him, too… It is possible that many preferred, for perfunctory reasons known only to the upper classes, not to befriend the erstwhile All-England Beetle Crushing Champion.”
Brian Barratt introduces us to an incredible character. When you have read about Nosbert Fleem how could you ever forget him?
Brian, a man with a keen sense of humour and in insatiable appetite for ideas, runs a stimulating Web site, The Brain Rummager. For lots more fun and mental exercise visit www.alphalink.com.au/~umbidas/
As one journeys on the wide ocean of information within these pages, one might be forgiven for being unaware of someone who helped to make our world the place it is today.
People who knew him described Nosbert Fleem as the most unforgettable character they had met. In most cases they tried hard to forget him, too. People who were not acquainted with him were perhaps more perspicacious in their choice of company. It is possible that many preferred, for perfunctory reasons known only to the upper classes, not to befriend the erstwhile All-England Beetle Crushing Champion.
Nosbert was the only child, among many others, of Frederick and Dorothy Phlegm. It was to their utter astonishment and disappointment that when he reached the age of eighteen he changed his name to Fleem. ‘Well, I mean,’ said his father, ‘what’s wrong with Phlegm? Me and me wife Mrs Phlegm’s ’ad it since we was born. Phlegm’s been running in the family for years. If we can ’ave Phlegm then Nosbert can ’ave Phlegm’.
During his school-days, Nosbert was not reformed but he excelled on the sports field. Although he was not blessed with a Praxitelean physique — on account of certain genetic defects — he beat all the other boys in every event. There are men in London today who still bear the scars of those early beatings but have managed to succeed in life.
‘Me wife Mrs Phlegm ’ad a nice little earner in ’er weldin’ business in the kitchen,’ explained Mr Phlegm, ‘but young Nosbert wanted to make something of ’imself’. Thus did the lad move from Beating and Beetle Crushing to the manufacture of Bespoke Footwear. His memorable concrete boots can still be dredged up from the Thames, albeit with their contents sometimes in a less than recognisable state.
Nosbert did, however, follow in his father’s footsteps when he set up his own Legal Advisory Bureau. For several years, he gave a great amount of help to the police in several parts of England, when helping them with their many enquiries. It was not until they were both granted a period of relief from their diligent labours, in one of Her Majesty’s accommodation centres, that father and son decided to move to a new field of endeavour.
‘Me wife Mrs Phlegm’s set up a tellyphone answering service,’ said Mr Phlegm, ‘so me and the boy ’elped out’. Working as a team, they offered to answer other people’s telephone calls while they were away. Their method involved no rewiring or new connections or unnecessary electronics. They simply moved into the client’s house so that they could be present whenever the phone rang. This proved to be a very useful exercise during a time when they had no housing of their own, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the local Council. One of the benefits of the service was the opportunity to acquire furniture, household appliances and ornaments for their next domicile.
Mr Phlegm and his wife (Mrs Phlegm) are now in their new home on Lewis, conveniently situated just north of the rest of Britain. They are making plans to set up their Hebridean Reception Centre for new immigrants coming via somewhat indirect routes from various parts of Eastern Europe. To avoid the use of fossil fuel and to encourage recycling, the newcomers will be transported in useful little wooden boats which Mr Phlegm found discarded around the coast.
Nosbert, who has now changed his surname to Lemfe for cultural reasons, is acting as Personnel Consultant via his website on the Internet, where anonymity is guaranteed, for a fee. A fairly large fee, we understand, but it does also cover a one-way ticket.
© Copyright 2006 Brian Barratt
