The Scrivener: Amazing Conditions
“Advertisers get away with anything these days, don’t they, with Conditions Apply in the very small print at the bottom?…’’
Brian Barratt navigates his way through the muddy waters of Special Offers.
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Ten percent off surf-wear for every $100 spent. That should appeal to the younger set who go in for those weird baggy shorts. Five hundred dollars credit with an estate agent. That will tempt a young couple setting up home. Let’s hope they have a solicitor to explain the terms before they sign on the dotted line.
We’re looking at a contemporary phenomenon — Special Offers printed on the back of a supermarket cash docket. You know the sort of thing.
Have twenty digital prints made and there’s a rebate of $2.50. That’s useful, if you have a digital camera. Ladies shampoo, cut and B/W, ten dollars off. Men get five dollars off but they don’t get the B/W, whatever that is.
Join the local healthy exercise centre and, wow! $120 off, but in the tiny print there are the dreaded words ‘Conditions Apply’. Advertisers get away with anything these days, don’t they, with Conditions Apply in the very small print at the bottom?
This one’s interesting: five percent off vitamin tablets if you spend $100. That seems to be a rather small discount for so many vitamin tablets. Valid Only While Stocks Last. If you’re late, you won’t be revitaminised.
Hello, what’s this? Amazing Amazon offer ten percent off, too. That’s helpful, but they don’t say what they’re selling. There’s an address and a phone number. At least that’s better than the companies which don’t tell you where they are. Who would trust someone who gives no more than a phone number or an e-mail address?
A trip down the Amazon would be rather nice. Especially at ten percent off. Well, if you have the stomach for that sort of thing. Poison arrows are probably off the menu now. However, what with anacondas and pirañas, you can’t be too careful — you could be on the menu and finish up with a lot more than ten percent off.
It’s unlikely to be a river trip, though. Could it be that wonderful bookshop? They give such remarkable service, and are probably the only Internet-based company that actually responds to queries. Promptly, too. No, it’s not them. They don’t have a local branch.
Good gracious! It could be a trip to some exotic place near the Black Sea. That’s where the Amazons lived, isn’t it? You know, those nice ladies who had a way of mating with gentlemen from across the lake. They then disposed of the gentlemen and any male children who arrived nine months later. Strictly girls only, and fierce ones at that. Conditions definitely Applied.
It’s amazing what you find printed on the back of your supermarket docket, isn’t it?
© Copyright 2006 Brian Barratt
