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U3A Writing: First Time

Aristocracy came knocking at Jennie’s colonic irrigation practice door… Zelda Margo tells a sparkling conversational tale.

“Hullo, what are you doing, Zee?”

“Having a lovely sleep, Jennie.”

“Always forget that you're two hours ahead. Now that you're awake, I must tell you ...”


“Aristocracy came knocking on my door the other day.”

“Hope aristocracy had made an appointment!”

“Of course, he came up from London.”

Beautiful Jennie, pleasing in many ways, with a wicked sense of humour. Zee, endowed with perception and a sly wit. Chums from the first day at Art School. When Jennie lost her third husband she took off her art-teacher hat, relocated to England. Studied and established a colonic-irrigation practice in Woking.

“Are you listening?”

“Yes; you were boasting.”

“Well, there he was at my door. Long elegant coat, beautiful boots. Tall, broad-shouldered, sandy-grey hair, turnip nose and hastily retreating chin.”

“Jennie, a looker of sorts – and constipated.”

“Into my office we go and he takes off his coat. Now, stop laughing, what was funny about removing his coat?”

“He was wearing a silver lamé miniskirt. Sits down and his crown jewels are on full display.”

“Hope you applauded.”

“Zee, I had surprised him too when I opened the door to him, but he did not blink or wince when confronted by my wrinkled seventy-year old self.”

“So there you are Jen, in your office eye-ball to eye-ball.”

Yesss... in a manner of speaking. I controlled my laughter, took down his details. Behaved as though he was dressed in the height of fashion.”

“So he was relaxed.”

“Yes, Zee. What a mind you have! I said 'Please go into the treatment room. Put on the gown and I'll be with you in a few minutes’.’’

“This is my first time,” says he.

“Sir, it is totally painless, and I must say ...”


“You have -”

“Go on -”

“An impressive physique.”

“Observant,” he murmured as he left the room.

“Jennie, hilarious. But letting strangers into you home. You should never book a first appointment when your secretary isn't present.”

“When will you stop being a Jewish Mama?”

“When you stop getting into tight corners.”

“Go back to sleep Zee.”

“Goodnight Jen.”


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