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Yorkshire Dialect: Kill Or Cure Daan At T'club

In Mike Shaw's latest dialect tale the club committee discuss ways of attracting new memembers.

Wen Ah walked inta t' club t' other neet ther weren't a soul in t' spot bar Roy, t' steward.

"Well, Ah know it's usually quahrt afta Kersmuss an' t' New Yeear, but Ah've nivver known it as dead as this," Ah telled 'im. We could yer a pin drop if we 'ad sich a thing, an' ther's suppoased ter be a committee meetin' terneet an' awl."

Roy looked at t' calendar 'ung on t' wall an' replahd: "Tha'r reight as usual, Bill, it's marked 'ere fer eight o' clock an' it's fahve to already."

"Ah can 'ardly 'ave a meetin' on mi own, or else they'd call me a dictator," Ah chuntered. "But some on 'em want dictatin' to, if tha asks me."

Onnyrooad, Jack Bamforth an' a couple mooar came in dead on eight o' clock, sooa that gave us just enough ter 'ave a meetin'.

Not that ther wer a reight lot ter talk abaat. Th' agenda wer varry shooart an' we'd nobbut been gooin' ten minnits wen we gate ter t' last item.

"Nah then, gents, we'll atta do summat abaat gettin' mooar fowk ter come ter t' club," sed Dan, who's t' chairman o' t' committee. T' way things are gooin' this winter we're baan ter be in t' red ter some pattern, sooa Ah want some ideas ter put mooar bums on seeats."

Jack suggested startin' a 'appy haar wi' awl drinks at hauf prahce, but Dan reckoned that wouldn't do t' trick.

"Wat abaat gettin' an entertainer?" posed Arnold Brook. "They do reight weel at Gowker wen they 'ave a singer on."

"Aye, but they want ter mich brass fer us, an' unless they wer awl wartahme songs yar pensioners ud nooan be interested," sed Jack.

"Well, Ah suppoase we could allis gooa mad an' get a comedian an' a couple o strippers," Arnold replahd.

"Nay, lad, dosta want ter empty spot awltergether," Ah chuckled. "If we get two birds tekkin' ther clooathes off, hauf o' yar owd-tahmers are lahkely ter be rushed ter th' Infirmary wi' 'eart attacks!"


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