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U3A Writing: The Scheming Devils

…I’m an NLA, Grade 1. That’s a Never Loving Angel. The main job of an NLA is to plant wicked thoughts into the minds of Mankind…

Walter Murton tells a choice and highly-imaginative tale..

The Earthborns know quite a bit about angels, but nobody talks much about us, the Scheming Devils, because we’re on the other side. The dark, bad side. The Archangel Department does a lot of advertising, especially when Earthborns have what they call Christmas. The Angels always get a lot of publicity, but because of what we do, we don’t want too much to be known about us.

Another festival has just gone, and did you notice how the CIA (Committee of Immortal Angels) as usual , went all out in its publicity drive? They reminded Earthborns (Humans) that there are angels watching over them and that if there weren’t, the Earthborns would have all kinds of trouble and crises invading their lives; all through their own stupidity or selfishness. Christmas is a busy time for the Angels. All that ‘peace and goodwill to all men’ stuff to be spread everywhere. We give up a bit at that time of the year; we let the Angels have their fling, but the New Year is a good time for us to wreak a bit of havoc. The first and easiest jobs are breaking all the New Year Resolutions which Humans make under the influence of the Angels and their and good intentions at that time of the year.

I’m not an angel, though. I’m working in their Head Office. I’m spying on them for my Boss, whom Earthborns, or Humanity, call “The Devil”. He is based at Central Office so I’ve never seen him. The Boss who talks to me is called “Delilah”. We all have just one name beginning with the initial “D”. Not many Humans know that. I can’t tell you mine in case this gets into the wrong hands and the “Ever Loving Angels (ELA’s) find out there is a spy in their midst.

Delilah said that a memo had come from our Central Office (I know that it did because I could smell the sulphur), which said that we shouldn’t rest on our laurels now that we are managing to make Earthborns more wicked, but should intensify our efforts. So, I’ve been infiltrated into the Angelic Head Office to report back on what countermeasures the ELA’s might use in an effort to persuade Humanity to become more forgiving, loving and tolerant of each other. I’m an NLA, Grade 1. That’s a Never Loving Angel. The main job of an NLA is to plant wicked thoughts into the minds of Mankind.
I’ve graduated from a Grade 3 NLA, when you can only plant faintly wicked thoughts like “I’ll have two of those, they’re not very fattening”, to Grade 1 NLA so that I can use thoughts like “Money’s tight, I’ll hijack another car”. I use that one a lot now. ELA’s seem to have a hard job in a place in South Africa called Johannesburg, with countermanding that one. In fact, that place is one of the easiest ones for wicked thoughts to take root. The ELA’s are becoming desperate all over that country. They must feel like giving up sometimes.

There are many places in Humanity’s world now where my Boss’s organisation is planning to take control. In fact, the ELA’s will have to put in some overtime hours if they want to get the upper hand because, as Delilah says, our Boss’s methods have been working well for the last decade or so, in many places. Especially in the international arena and with politicians. He has been concentrating on those areas and it hasn’t been too difficult to tempt and tantalize the leaders with promises of wealth and power.

I’ve sent a lot of useful stuff , which has been used in the international arena, to agent Delphi 9279 in our Central Office. I have access to all the ELA files on Humanity’s world leaders and you’d be surprised at the wicked scandals in some of them. The ELA’s have been working hard on those Humans, particularly the leaders of the different religions, trying to implant really strong pious thoughts, but my Boss says we have no need to worry about them, he knows how to pull their strings and he has them well and truly under his satanic influence.

It’s easy to pick up information where I’m working in their Head Office. For a start, it’s run by Gabriel. He got promoted to Archangel for all that work he did on that first Christmas. I have to admit that he did a good job with that angelic choir and lighting up the sky, but some of the Angels say that he shouldn’t have frightened the wits out of those poor shepherds.

It’s a shame, really, Gabriel is too busy to run the Head Office properly because he is Chief of Special Assignments as well and he has his hands full trying to put sublime thoughts into the heads of politicians, oil sheiks and football spectators. It’s no wonder he is failing dismally with that project. It makes the work for our NLA’s so much easier and it’s plain to see the wonderful results we are getting now. I think the ELA’s have a big problem with Humanity right now. NLA’s have had a lot of success over the past few decades. We have managed to set the morals of many nations into rotting mode; we have emptied many churches and successfully set religion against religion. Some Humans even credit our organisation with filling the mosques now. The Big Boss is very satisfied, but insists there is more to be done. His latest message said that we must continue to make sure that the ELA’s do not get the chance to plant their good thoughts and, if they do, that we do not allow them time to take root. He said that just because the stats for crime are so good and corruption in high places is so strong, we mustn’t lessen our efforts. There are still some areas where the ELA’s have a lot of influence; we must see that it doesn’t spread.

I can give you an example of our work. It shows how wicked – and good, thoughts can spread throughout a family and end up influencing the family – or a group, for either bad or good. I was caught out once because I underestimated the power of the ELA’s. That was a big lesson to learn.

There’s a human named Tommy Black. We like Tommy and the Black family because a lot of them take in wicked thoughts like a sponge taking up water. Our agent, Dolores 9271, had planted the thought, “I’m short of cash, I’ll get my brothers together and we’ll do the Commerce National Bank in Main St” in Tommy’s mind. Obviously, the ELA’s were unaware of Dolore’s work because before the Angels knew what was happening, Tommy and his brothers had plotted their villainy. The Angels, though, got to know what was going on with Tommy and his gang and they found his girl friend, Mavis, and reinforced her doubts and thoughts about his criminal plans. “Tommy mustn’t do the Bank” she thought, “What will happen to me and little Nicky?”

Now that’s a really clever counter stroke, because it introduced a child into the equation. Humans are soft about kids. They would say “Tommy should have considered little Nicky before doing anything so stupid”. So then they are all on the side of the Angels. The good thoughts put into Mavis’s head by the ELA were so well implanted that she took to standing outside the Bank with little Nicky. She wanted to be there when Tommy and his gang arrived and to persuade him that to rob the Commerce National Bank would be sinful and, since it was a small branch, not very profitable either.

Our agent, Dolores 9271, wasn’t easily put off, so she went into the bank to try and find a suitable person who could be used to support our plan. She selected a human named Robbie James and implanted wrong thoughts about Mavis, whom he could see outside. He thought “There’s a cool chick, I must get to know her” and other wicked thoughts.

Robbie and Mavis were soon ‘an item’. Robbie acted the part of a kind and generous partner so well that Mavis was very happy with him and she gave up the idea of preventing Tommy from carrying out the robbery on the Bank. She had no idea of the other wicked thoughts which had been implanted in Robbie’s mind by our agents.

The Big Day of the planned robbery dawned. Tommy and his gang roared along Main St in their stolen BMW. A big surprise awaited them. The place was swarming with coppers and so they had to drive straight past. The Bank had been cleaned out the night before.

This is where I came in. I can tell you why the Bank had already been cleaned out the night before. You see, being a spy in this office, I had read an Angelic Report which said that the Angels had succeeded in planting nice thoughts in Tommy’s gang’s minds. The thoughts were that after the robbery, they were going to donate fifty per cent of their loot to a charity – the Police Orphans’ Fund.

I passed this information to our agent Dalia 9273, and stamped it ‘Urgent”. She knew what to do. She couldn’t do anything about Tommy and his gang so she buzzed around and found another gang leader, Mac Brown, who welcomes wicked thoughts. She implanted Mac with the thought “Cash is short, I’ll get the lads together and we’ll do the Commerce National Bank in Main St.” To make sure that Mac’s robbery attempt would be successful, she nipped into the Bank and spent some time with Barney Rudd. Barney was the security manager.

“It was an inside job” said the Chief Inspector that afternoon. They must have had information about the alarm system, because they didn’t disturb it. Our chief suspect is Barney Rudd, but he seems to have disappeared. He will have gone abroad so he may never be brought to justice”.

And that’s the whole affair over, except, of course, for the epilogue and here it is ;

Robbie and Mavis love the warm weather. Their villa overlooks the Indian Ocean and the scent of frangipangi fills the air. Little Nicky has a lovely tan and their new baby, Melody, is a dream child. Life seems to have been good to this popular little family. They are doing well with the scam business which Mavis runs. I keep a very close watch on them both. I know that Mavis is easily influenced by the ELA’s and they are endlessly putting pious thoughts into her mind. I have to continually send SMS’s about them both to our Central Office to make sure we balance the implanted pious thoughts with our own devilish ones. Robbie is an easier project than Mavis as he quickly picks up on a wicked thought – on any subject matter.

Mac Brown, full of wicked thoughts of his own construction, has found his niche. He is known to be the master mind behind the many cash heists, but our agents are looking after his safety and he is unrecognisable now with his new disguise. He enjoys his wealth and power.

Tommy has succumbed to nice thoughts. We have lost him, I’m sorry to say. All his gang has reformed. I put this down to the fact that I suggested his case was handed to an Agent Grade 3, so that the agent could get experience as I had considered Tommy to be past reforming. It just goes to show. I should not have underestimated the power of some of the ELA’s sometimes. It was embarrass ing to read an Angelic Report in his file in this office, the other day. It recommended his elevation to a “saintly person”.

As for me, I just continue with my undercover work in the CIA Head Office. I am continually guided by what the Commissioner for Outrageous Behaviour said on our website, “You must never cease encouraging the Humans to sin” he said, “Especially when money, politicians and power are concerned” Oh, and speaking of politicians, I am really looking forward to earning a fat bonus when the elections take place in Britain and America.


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