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Yorkshire Dialect: Cuttin' Remarks Fer Yar Ethel

Lawn mowing results in some sharp words in Mike Shaw's latest dialect tale.

It wer fair warm an' sunny last Wednesday mornin' an' Ah wer just thinkin' abaat gooin' walkin' wi' Jack Bamforth wen yar Ethel stepped in.

"It's abaat tahme tha gate yond front lawn cut," shoo sed whahle shoo wer cleearin' t' table afta breakfast. "Ah fair shame sometahmes wen Ah compare it wi' Lucy's next dooar. It's a real credit to 'er Kenneth, who's getten it just lahke a bowlin' green. Then Ah tek a gooid look at yars an' it's same as a 'ay-field afooar it's been cut."

Ah lit up mi pahpe an' trahd ter keep cool as Ah pointed aat there wer a world o' difference between Ken an' me. "Ter start wi, e's ommost twenty yeears younger ner me, an' theirs is a smaller lawn ner yars an' awl."

Ah knew Ethel ud nooan shut up till it wer cut, sooa in t' finish Ah fot t' lawn mower aat an' gate crackin'.

But Ah'd nobbut been at it a couple o' minnits afooar t' bloomin' mower packed up,'an' Ah couldn't get it gooin ageean fer t' lahfe in me. Ah wouldn't 'ave cared ser much but it's one o' thees electric uns 'at we bowt ooanly a couple o' yeears back, an' Ah gave mi owld un ter mi cousin Fred in exchange fer a couple o' pahnts.

"Ah knew we should've kept t'other," grumbled Ethel. "It'd come in 'andy naah, cos ther's nowt tha can do except cut t' rest wi't' pair o' shears."

That gave me a shock an' reight, cos usin' t' shears is a back-breakin' job if ivver ther wer one, especially at mah tahme o' lahfe.

Onnyrooad, wi' Ethel standin' ovver me wi' 'er arms fowlded, Ah gate knelt daan an' did t' best Ah could.

Ah thowt Ah wer dooin" reight weel an' awl until Ethel started chunterin' 'at th' edges wer nooan reight tidy.

"Ah'll tell thee wat ter do," Ah replahd through clenched teeth. "Ah'll carry on wi' t' shears an' tha can fot thi sharp little scissors an' do raand th' edges. Awl tha's ter do is imagine tha'r cuttin' thi fingernails!"


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