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U3A Writing: Tailback

Patrick Hopton tells a hot tale concerning incidents on a freezing day.

Hi Dave,

You’re never going to believe this, but I swear it’s true. It was in those blizzards yesterday. The M25 was gridlocked.

Stuck next to me was a Lotus Elan - all £30 grand of it! We were going no-where for hours. You can always tell.

The woman driving the Lotus wound down her window. ‘Got a drink?’ she called out to me. I waved the flask of Scotch I keep for emergencies. ‘Your place or mine?’ I asked. Mine was warmer, she said and climbed from her car to join me. God, I couldn’t believe it. It was ELLA MACDONALD – the super-model!

With the engine left running it was certainly warm in the car, and after a swig or two of Scotch we were all cosy inside us too! Suddenly in two deft strokes she had peeled off. (Well as a model she’s used to that sort of thing!) Grabbing the flask she waved it at me. ‘Bottoms up!’ she laughed. And before you knew it hers was – right against the wind-screen! Well if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I thought. So I did.

The engine was purring, the car warm, a Joss Stone CD was playing, and this exotic creature was all over me.

It was pure MAGIC!

And then the engine cut out! In no time the car was like a freezer. ‘That’s it lover boy,’ she said. ‘Thanks for the ride,’ and climbed out.

Seconds later the vehicles around started spluttering into life and the traffic to move. The Lotus eased from my vision and was gone. Not me, though. My engine refused to fire . (Not helped by the chorus of angry hoots from behind!)

Then through my fast frosting wind-screen there was this flashing blue light!

‘If it isn’t Casanova!’ the cop with the breathalyser greeted me as I climbed out. I must have looked dumb, because he nodded at the over-bridge a few yards ahead . . . and the CCTV camera suspended from it. ‘You and your girlfriend have been entertaining the traffic control room for hours,’ he smirked.

I’m in the police cells writing this. My case comes up in a few minutes. Alcohol and indecency charges. I’ll get a hefty fine, a driving ban - imprisonment even.

But ELLA MACDONALD! Hell it was worth it.

Cheers mate,



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