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Yorkshire Dialect: Ethel Puts t' Wind up t'owd Father Kersmuss

Getting a Christmas present for yar Ethel is quite an ordeal, as Mike Shaw's dialect tale reveals.

It's allis pretty eeasy fer me wen it comes ter decahdin' wat ter get yar Elhel fer Kersmuss. Nawther on us favours gooin' ovverbooard wi' presents lahke some fowk, sooa Ah usually get 'er a box of 'er favourite chocolates an' a bit o' summat else.

Last week, wen Ah wer daan in t' village, Ah bowt t' chocolates an' a scarf, an' then Ah neddied off wom ter put 'em aat 'o seet till Ah wrapped 'em up.

It wer Ethel's Guild meetin' on t' neet afta, sooa Ah gate 'er presents ready an' still managed ter wetch t' fooitball on telly.

Then Ethel gate back, smahlin' awl ovver 'er face. "It in't often Ah've onny luck, but Ah won t' raffle terneet an', guess wat, t' prahze wer a box o' mi favourite chocolates."

That knocked me fer six an' reight, sooa Ah put on mi thinkin' cap an' eventually came up wi' an idea 'at maht get me aat of a jam. Wen Ah saw Jack Bamforth t' day afta Ah explained wat 'ad 'appened an' asked 'im if he'd a bottle o' sherry or summat 'e could swap fer mah chocolates.

"Ah've nooa sherry, Bill, but ther's a bottle o' port wahne Ah could let thee 'ave i' return fer t' spahce," 'e replahd.

"That'd be champion," Ah sed. "Yar Ethel sometahmes 'as a port an' lemon wen shoo's eytin 'er Kersmuss nuts."

Sooa we did a swap that neet an' Ah managed ter smuggle t' port in baat Ethel spottin' it.

In t' mornin' shoo wer busy dustin' raand whahle Ah wer reeadin' t' paper wen shoo suddenly stopped an' sed: "Dosta know wat, Ah fair fancy a drop o' port fer yar Kersmuss Eve do."

Ah wer chock speechless fer a minnit or sooa as she sed: "Ah get a bit fed up o' sherry awl t' tahme. Ah wer thinkin' o' gettin' a bottle o' port. Th' ooanly trouble is at nubdy else seeams ter sup it bar me."

"Aye, it'd be a reight waste, sooa Ah reckon we're better off stickin' wi' sherry," Ah replahd, trahin' not ter look flustered.

"An' Father Kersmuss 'as getten enuf on 'is plate, baat 'avin' ter cope wi' awl this swappin' an' truckin'!"

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