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Bonzer Words!: Road Construction Driving Correspendence School

Anna Mancini has come forward to offer help and instruction to today's harrassed drivers.

Anna writes for Bonzer! magazine. Please visit www.bonzer.org.au

Since the entire universe is under road construction these days, I've decided I might as well profit from it. I'm going to start my own driving school.

You can learn in the privacy of your home, in your own town, on your own streets. It's easy really. With all the endless construction that goes on 58 hours a day, 652 days a year, this timely education opportunity can be yours to learn in three easy lessons. I'll charge you the usual rate of $5,000 per minute, just like the cell phone companies!

In your instructional kit you'll receive:

* 8 CDs with actual construction noises, workers cursing, and other drivers honking and yelling obscenities to give you that 'being there' feeling.

* Road maps with detailed indicators on where the most congested construction areas are in your state or home town so you'll have plenty of places to practice. Updates will be faxed or e-mailed to you hourly.

* 2 official construction hard hats

* An official construction thermos and lunch box just like the crews use so you can stop and socialize with all those workers standing in large groups, doing absolutely nothing except staring into those large holes in the ground.

* 2 pairs of glare-resistant goggles for night driving under those handy industrial floodlights, or those blinding welding flares.

* Fake signs you can post on the sides of your car for delivery or government services so you can park anywhere you darn well please.

* 27 small bottles of auto body spot paint, in a variety of colors for all those lovely dings from flying junk that pelts your car.

* An assortment of cans of fluorescent spray paint to make your own lines and hieroglyphics on the streets.

* 4 six-packs of beer to give to workers as a bribe to let you go around the bulldozer loading a dump truck for the past three hours.

* A map of all local car washes which you will need to use at least twelve times a week.

* A list of all the local discount tire stores where you can buy your weekly replacement tires.

And as an added bonus, you'll receive a 6,500 page instruction book outlining such important techniques as:

* How to slalom drive around, and/or hit the barrier barrels without leaving dents in your vehicle.

* How to speed past flaggers BEFORE they can make you stop for a monster construction vehicle.

* Swerving techniques for getting around street sweeping machines.

* How to drive over water hoses without having the ends fly up and smack the sides of your car leaving baseball-sized pits.

* How to survive driving through one-lane roads, or backed-up tunnels without getting asphyxiated (oxygen tanks are an extra charge).

* Effective speed driving over gargantuan metal plates covering meteor size holes in the road.

Skillful dodging of construction junk littering the roadways.

* How to charge 'cost plus' for your own projects so you can bleed tax payers to death and take 12 years to complete 1 mile of road.

You'll learn amazing things like:

* How to find a parking space during inner city construction.

* How to get your car out of the impossible spot the construction vehicles put you into while you were inside the building.

How to quickly recover from the violent flinching motions you make after flying rocks smash into your windshield.

* You will learn speed reading for all the road signs that change hourly during construction.

And that's not all. As an added bonus, we'll teach you valuable things like:

* How to safely swerve in and out of partial lane closures that change every 100 feet.

* How to firmly attach your hub caps so they don't go flying across the freeway when you hit those 5 foot chuck holes.

* How to beat those traffic tickets you'll get for going the wrong way down a one way street that was going the other direction when you came into work that same morning.

* How to drink your latte without spilling it all down the front of your clothes as you drive over 'bumps' in the road that would challenge a military vehicle.

And so much more, you won't believe it. Trust me, when we get done with you, you'll wonder why you even own a car and don't just take the bus with all the other heroes.

Anna Mancini

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