Open Writing

There's always something new to tempt our palates and purses. For instance, there's a brand of instant coffee which has more antioxidants than there are in tea. The manufacturers don't reveal how much caffeine it contains, of course. We haven't seen any advertising telling us that roasted coffee beans contain vitamin B in the form of niacin, which is good for us. Perhaps the bean-roasting industry will climb onto that bandwagon later.

Instant coffee is pleasant enough but real coffee is, for some of us, much more tempting to the palate. However, the purse provides protection. Fifty years ago, the wondrous aroma of Blue Mountain coffee permeated the centuries-old timber-beamed coffee house on High Bridge in Lincoln (that's in England). A packet of shiny brown beans, ready for grinding, didn't cost too much.

Thirty years ago, Blue Mountain was still reasonably priced at an Italian coffee shop in Lygon Street, Melbourne (that's in Australia). Nowadays at a posh food store, one can buy a 200 gram packet at a price which equates with about 20% of the weekly pension for aged persons. So some of us have to make do with the occasional luxury of something called Blue Mountain Style. It's OK but it is not the real thing.

Apart from the antioxidants and niacin, coffee is a health hazard. It's bad for all sorts of things. It's particularly bad for computer keyboards. Twenty years ago, if you knocked your arm on the desk, and accidentally spilt coffee on your computer keyboard, it didn't mean that you had to rush out and buy a new keyboard. In those days, you could unscrew the top part from its metal base, wipe the interior carefully, and leave both sections upside down to drip dry. Some of us speak from experience.

Computer keyboards are now sealed units, all plastic. You could certainly have a go with a small screwdriver, but that is not a very good idea. You probably wouldn't be able to put it all together again.

Remote controls for television and other electronic gadgets are also sealed units. They're much smaller than keyboards. It's likely that there are two, three, perhaps four, somewhere in the sitting room. That is definitely a health hazard.

At one stage, there were four nice little remote control units for the TV, radio-cassette player, DVD player and HD set-top box on a certain little table. Black, silver and grey, as colourful an assortment on non-colours as you could wish for. One day, I tripped. Instant coffee splashed all over them, instantly.

The only remedy was to take each one in turn, shake it vigorously, and repeat the exercise over and over again for about twenty minutes before placing them face down on a tea towel.

They're tough little gadgets, those remote control units. After I gave them the shakes, there was a little problem. Just one important button wouldn't work. It needed some TLC, so I treated it with loving care, shook it every time I used it, and kept wiping it with a tea towel. After a few days, it was in perfect working order. Oh, the wonders of modern Science.

It wasn't until later that I noticed dried-up coffee stains in a shaded part of the carpet beneath that little table. A few treatments with a good old natural remedy, eucalyptus oil, are helping to remove them. One day, perhaps, instant coffee will contain not only antioxidants and niacin but also a non-toxic carpet cleaning additive. Just what we (some of us) need.

© Copyright 2008 Brian Barratt