Open Writing

Oh dear me, a new buzzword seems to be humming around. During an excellent discussion programme on TV, someone asked whether a particular organisation had a 'narrative'. As far as I could work out, they wanted to know if the organisation had a 'mission statement', another bit of jargon which seems to have departed after a brief life. As far as I can work out, both mean 'aims and methods' in plain English.

Many years ago, I looked after the Melbourne office of the Sydney branch of a very large American publishing house. I recall the delightful occasion when someone in the USA sent us a message to say that he had been speaking 'verbatimly' with the Chairman. Well, it's the sort of thing one does, isn't it?

A colleague in Sydney was fond of buzzwords and jargon. His memos were elongated by them. I decided to set some bait for him, surreptitiously. Three weeks before the annual Sales Conference in Sydney, I used the term 'ground-swell' in at least one memo to him. It was a current buzzword which he hadn't used until then. He fell right into the trap. When he referred to the ground-swell several times during the Sales Conference I had to suppress my naughty chuckle.

Shortly after that, the Chairman decided to visit Australia. He was, of course, a Very Important Person. The females of the staff were told they must wear dresses, not slacks, and the males had to wear suits and ties. All the editorial and marketing staff assembled one day for a meeting, to listen respectfully for his Words of Wisdom. My immediate boss in Sydney warned me not to be irreverent. I can't think why.

We listened politely while Himself extolled the virtues of a few new publications. We nodded our heads in agreement to most of his points. But then he produced a new dictionary. This could have been a breakthrough, because dictionary publishing is a highly specialised business, usually confined to the experts.

What happened next concerned meaning and usage rather than jargon and buzzwords. Some of us thought that perhaps the wonderful new dictionary would not suit schools in Australia. We deferentially explained to him that definitions and usage might be different in this country. Nevertheless, he proceeded to quote a few entries and definitions. We diplomatically told him that the dictionary probably would not be useful in Australia.

Looking a wee bit frustrated, he announced, 'Well, "closet". Surely everyone knows what a closet is?' He had evidently never heard of a wardrobe. I'm afraid I disobeyed orders and spake forth without reverence: 'In Australia, a closet is defined as that place from which a homosexual eventually emerges'. A deathly hush fell over the assembly. We trembled, awaiting a thunder-clap. Rather, I trembled, awaiting my immediate dismissal. But he sighed, look puzzled, grinned, and gave up. And I lived to tell the tale.

Back to buzzwords. I had to attend a gathering of departmental managers, accountants and directors, plus merchant bankers and other dubious persons. It was one of those dark suited affairs where you stand around with a glass of cheap white wine in one hand and a salt-laden nibbly in the other, trying to look as though you belong. I attached myself to a discussion about somebody-or-other. Although I tried to remain invisible, an earnest young merchant banker turned to me and asked if I'd had interface with the person in question. 'Good gracious me, no,' I replied in shocked tones. 'I haven't even met him.'

That's what we have to do — retain a sense of humour while facing the invasion. And I'm telling you that verbatimly, OK?

© Copyright Brian Barratt 2008