Open Writing

My ISP (Internet Service Provider) started the process of connecting me to broadband. Not me personally, you understand, but my computer. We might be a bit behind the times, where I live, but a broadband connection still provides a speed 200 times faster than my old steam-operated dial-up system.

The first message arrived. It included the words:
"If you have not provided a password, we have allocated you a temporary password that is the same as your username. You should visit [name of the website] to change your temporary password."

The username is the name you chose to use when you were first connected to the Internet. The password to your ISP is a very secret code made up of letters and numbers.

I clicked my mouse (the plastic one attached to the computer, not the furry one that lives under the house) on the link to [name deleted]. That took me to a page which was no longer used and please would I wait while I was transferred. That wasn't exactly an impressive start.

Another clicky and there were two nice little boxes in which I should type my username and my password.

I typed my username in the first box, and my secret password into the second box. Up came a neat little message to say that there was an Error, please try again. Ah, perhaps it needs the "temporary password that is the same as your username". I typed that in the box. Up popped the same message: Error. Further efforts were fruitless.

I sent an e-mail enquiry to the Customer Help people. Their reply included exactly the same paragraph as in the first message. I went through the process all over again. Hurrah, I was now admitted to the inner sanctum. It worked!

The following morning, I tried again. Error. I could not gain access to the inner sanctum.

There was only one thing for it: I would have to phone the Customer Service people in a distant foreign country. They're very helpful. There's just a tiny problem: I use a handicapped phone. Rather, it's a phone for hearing handicapped people.

"I have a problem with my password," quoth I.

Crackle, zrrrr, buzz, "Watyadrah?"

"Pardon?"

Crickle, buzzz, "Watyadrass?" Ah, he wants to know my address, so I gave it.

"Howanelpyooo?" I told him that he had a lovely voice but I am hearing handicapped and please would he speak slowly. I don't use the word "deaf" because people just start shouting and that doesn't help.

"How can I help you?" With some difficulty, we eventually arrived on the same wavelength. He gave me what I think is a secret password to enable me to do what I wanted to do. And, to my delight, it worked. Sigh of relief from stout party.

A couple of days later, when everything on the computer was working beautifully, I plugged my answering machine back into the telephone circuit. It's a very useful device because it blocks calls from pestilential telemarketers — they just ring off when they hear the message. The high speed of the broadband connection immediately went back to steam-age speed.

Fortunately, I have a friend who teaches electronics and information technology at a tertiary college. He's a patient chap and pretty good at explaining things to old twits like me. Following his advice, I visited a purveyor of plugs, sockets, gadgets and esoteric gizmos.

A very helpful young lady sold me a gadget called a filter and a tiny double adaptor, all designed for the task in hand. When I came back home, I discovered that the adaptor wouldn't fit and the filter didn't do what it was supposed to do. So back I went, the following day.

Another very helpful young lady swapped the filter for a more appropriate one and told me I didn't need the double adapter. Back home, and the system still didn't work properly. So back I went, the following day.

A very helpful young man took one look, showed me a hitherto invisible part of the adaptor, of which the two young ladies seem to have been unaware, and showed me how to put it all together. Back home, and everything worked. Time for another hurrah!

Ah, but the situation isn't quite resolved. Some years ago, my ISP was taken over by a larger ISP and they were then taken over by a much larger ISP. I get the distinct impression that the three divisions don't talk to each other. We still have problems about addresses and refunds. I sent a letter — a proper letter by stickystamp mail — and they responded to just one of the three or four questions I asked. I'll just scream quietly and keep taking the tablets.

© Copyright Brian Barratt 2009