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Ancient Feet: 4 - The Old Spice Boys

The Old Spice Boys enjpy lively chat as they head out on the road.

Alan Nolan and four other gents who could be said to be past their sell-by date are embarking on a venture which would give the fittest pause for thought: to walk the breadth of England.

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'You know, I used to dream about being a roadie for The Spice Girls,' Trevor said, as we made rapid progress up the M6, 'and look at me now, my ambitions reduced to driving The Old Spice Boys to their final gig. Instead of having five gorgeous girls in the back of the van, I've got six old blokes, all past their sell-by date.'

'That's what I like about you,Trev,' I said 'you have a way of making people feel good. Anyway, even if we aren't quite as youthful as we used to be, I haven't noticed you clamouring to do the walk with us.'

'I'm too young to be an Old Spice Boy.'

'Too bloody lazy, more like,' Andy accused.

'I like the idea of The Old Spice Boys,'Tom piped up, 'I could be Sporty Spice. I used to play cricket for Liverpool Boys and the original Sporty Spice is from Liverpool.'

'Shorty Spice would be more appropriate,' I said 'seeing as you must have been off school the day the nurse came round with the height injections.'

'Hold on a minute, we are talking about Liverpool here,'Andy interrupted, 'it's more likely she was mugged and the serum was sold to the highest bidder.The HIGHEST bidder, get it?'

We groaned at Andy's attempt at humour.

Returning to the subject, I continued: 'As a financial adviser, I think I should be Dosh Spice,' to nods of approval.

'And Andy should definitely be Baby Spice,' Don added 'as he is so much younger than the rest of us.'

'Yeah, even though I am always being mistaken for his son,' quipped Tom.

'I can't think of any of us who would qualify as Scary Spice,' Don said.

'No, but you could be Hairy Spice,'Joe suggested, pointing at Don's beard.

'That leaves Joe and Paul and neither of you are Ginger, so we'll just have to think of something original.'

'Paul's easy,' said Tom 'he can be Sugar n' Spice, 'cos he's all things nice.'

'Trev, where d'you keep the sick bucket in here?' Andy asked, unable to resist the temptation to needle Tom. 'Anyway, I think Joe has to be Windy Spice.'

'Why Windy?' I asked.

'Haven't you noticed yet that he never stops farting?'

'Bugger off, Andy,'Joe intervened.

'It's true. And anyway, you should be proud of it. I don't know anyone else who can let Polly out of prison on command.' Turning to me, he continued, in serious vein 'He's very modest about it, and doesn't like to blow his own trumpet (except when he's competing, of course), but he actually won the All England Farting Championships a few years ago. His 'trump' card was his farted rendition of Blowing in the Wind!'

'Bugger off, Andy'


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