Open Writing

One of the least favorite aspects of flying is surely the safety announcements. We’ve all heard it before and I’m sure the cabin crew considers it extremely tedious. Unless, of course, they are practicing their Marcel Marceau skills or are sign language experts. So once in a while I always appreciate a little light banter from the crew.

Once on a flight, after touching down and beginning the long taxiway to the gate, a member of the cabin crew announced “welcome to Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Inter-Galactic Spaceport”. I kid you not. I actually laughed out loud, but instantly realized that his attempt at humor had fallen flat. Well, it was very early in the morning. But I thought to myself, don’t worry pal it wasn’t wasted on me.

So I did a little digging and came across this crib sheet for the passenger safety announcement. I have highlighted the optional crew comments.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard Clapped-out Airlines flight 123 with service to who knows where. In just a moment, we will be presenting to you a very short safety accident demonstration highlighting the safety information on this 757. We realize that many of you fly frequently, are bored already so to reinforce what you already know, and to enable those around you to hear our procedures, we ask for your full attention and shut the hell up.

Please direct your attention to one of our dreadfully unattractive flight attendants in the cabin holding a safety information card. You will find this card in the seat pocket in front of you. Unless some prick has stolen it Please take it out, and follow along with your grubby little fingers as we cover the important information. For our passengers that are seated in an exit row, you may be required to assist the crew in the event of an emergency evacuation, so if you are un-willing to assist the crew because you’re a 70 year old with a bad back please let us know so we can reseat you or just beat you up

For takeoff, your seatbelt must be fastened low and tight across your lap. No kidding Insert the metal fitting into the buckle, and pull tight by pulling on the loose strap. To release, lift up on the faceplate of the buckle. If you can’t do this, you shouldn’t be allowed out in public It is important that you keep your seatbelt fastened at all times when seated to protect yourself from any unexpected turbulence or wind, in which case keep it to yourself and do not dump it into the seat cushion.

On our 757, there are 6 exit doors. 3 on each side of the plane, each one equipped with a slide that inflates automatically. Unless you’re a Jet Blue flight attendant in which case it inflates any time you want a beer In addition to these exits, there are four over-wing exits, two on each side of the plane. Each exit is clearly marked with a sign overhead. Take a moment to locate the exit nearest you. If an evacuation occurs, exit path lighting will illuminate to guide you to an exit. Before operating any exit, check for fire, smoke, and debris or obstructions. Such as people piled up in crash positions

In the event of a water landing or a controlled dive into the sea your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. And good luck with that. To use it, pull it up, and slip your arms through the straps, hugging the cushion to your chest, as shown on the safety information card.

After the slide has deployed, jump with your arms crossed, and after clearing the bottom of the slide, step away from the aircraft. If we’re in the sea start swimming

In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, due to explosive decompression an oxygen mask will drop from overhead. Now you can start screaming. To start the flow of oxygen, reach up and pull the mask towards you. Place the cup of the mask over your nose and mouth, slipping the elastic band over your head, tightening the straps if necessary. If it takes you more than 15 seconds, you’re toast The bag does not need to inflate; oxygen is still flowing to the mask. Says who? A uniformed crew member will tell you when the masks are no longer needed. It is important that you secure your mask before assisting others. If you have two children and one mask short, pick the brightest kid

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. At this time flight attendants will be coming through the cabin making their final safety checks before we take off. running down the aisle pretending to check that your seat belt is fastened and pretending not to notice that you’re checking out our legs At this time, please be sure that your seat back is returned to its upright most uncomfortable position, and that your tray table is stowed. Please check to see if your seatbelt is securely fastened. If you need a seatbelt extender please shout as loud as possible so we can see you, as will everyone else. As a reminder, all carry on items must now be under the seat in-front of you, or stuffed into in an overhead compartment.with the rest of the crap you bring on board

Ladies and Gentlemen, ClappedOut Airlines is a non-smoking airline. we only smoke afterwards. Please remember that federal law prohibits the tampering with, disabling of, or destroying lavatory smoke detectors. Passengers must comply with all lighted signs and crew member instructions. And remember No does not mean maybe

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to fix them before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Clappedout Airlines.

Examples of cabin crew announcements

1. On a Southwest flight (no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced “People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said “Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2012580758_flight10.html?syndication=rss