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A Clutch Of Pearlies: Another New Year, Another Resolution?

Faced with another festive eating season Mary Pearl has decided to give up on giving up food.

For more of Mary's brillianht columns on a variety of topics please visit http://www.openwriting.com/archives/a_clutch_of_pearlies/

Iíve heard that it is better to give than to receive so I tested out that theory last New Year. I combined my New Yearís resolution with the inspirational truism and offered my excess weight to friends, fellow countrymen and friendly strangers but they were having none of it. It was post the festive season and people had plenty of their own to give away. The competition and I gathered on dark street corners, flipping open belted raincoats at the propitious moment. Please sir, was the plaintive plea, take a kilo home for the missus and the kids, they will thank you.

That tactic did not go down a treat, so I decided cold turkey was the go. If I wanted to lose the kilos I needed to give up eating altogether. That didnít work any longer than it took to wolf down a chocolate croissant. I needed to nourish the brain cells while planning my strategies.

The in between meals are even harder to give away than the fat. And pre dinner nibbles are my downfall. Thatís why I love breakfast, thereís no thinking involved. Itís either cereal, or eggs on toast with the trimmings. Itís quick to make and easily scoffed down. Just talking about it gives me an urge for a Spanish omelette. I sat al fresco at my favourite greasy spoon munching at a Danish and slugging down a cappuccino and decided I had to give up on giving up food.

A really nice lady took me around my local gym and introduced me to the equipment. It was a vast, intimidating and confusing array of tortured metal. Each piece specialised in toning up different muscles I was told. The only two I recognised from a past life were the bike and the treadmill. I chose the latter thinking it couldnít be too hard given that Iíve had a fair bit of practice in walking (although not recently). After five minutes of that I felt light headed. Perhaps Iíd lost a kilo off my head. Did I want to try out the aerobics class, the nice lady asked? I checked out the taut bodies that had poured themselves into spandex and decided that I didnít.

When I got home and weighed myself I discovered that I hadnít even managed that one kilo. Should I try sensible eating and long walks? Maybe, once I have been through all the diet literature


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