Open Writing

Brigid was a single mum at our local school. She was a rather intense, aloof sort of person who always dressed in immaculate twin sets, pantihose and high heels, no matter how sweltering the Sydney weather. She tended to keep to herself so she was somewhat of an enigma. All that we knew about her was that she worked "in the health industry" and she was easily riled whenever someone misspelt her name as "Bridget", which they invariably did. "My name has the Irish spelling," she would snap. "It does not end in a T. It ends in a D."

We mums were having a bit of a gossip, outside the school, one morning when Lindy asked, "Hey, does anyone actually know what Brigid does for a living?"

"Um no, but whatever you do don't spell her name incorrectly",''piped up Karen. "My husband reckons that it should start with an F and not a B."

This comment resulted in a round of giggles.

"Well, she definitely won't approve of this morning's sex education lesson which is being held in her daughter's class then," suggested Cathy." I believe that they are teaching the students to put condoms on over cucumbers."

"Cucumbers!" laughed Karen." Isn't that a surefire way of setting the girls up for a big disappointment for the rest of their adult lives?"

There was more giggling and then Lindy said, "At least our children are being properly educated in these matters. When I went to school I was only ever taught plant and animal reproduction. It was of no practical use whatsoever as amoeba multiplied asexually through binary fission and earthworms only complicated the scenario by being hermaphrodites."

"It was worse for me," added Cathy. "I went to a Catholic convent school and was educated by nuns. The task of sex education fell to the youngest nun, Sister Rosa Mystica. We girls were merciless. We could sense how embarrassed and flustered she was so we deliberately cajoled her until she blushed and told us that sexual intercourse was equivalent to, and felt somewhat like, sneezing.''

Now we roared with laughter. "That's a classic," said Lindy when she'd gathered herself together. "Either we haven't been sneezing properly all these years or Rosa Mystica was not called a 'none' for nothing."

"Brigid may be more amenable to these lessons than you give her credit for," said Adele quietly, returning to our earlier conversation. "There is a reason why she seems so standoffish. Her job requires that she be extremely discreet."

There was an audible hush as everyone bent in to listen. Adele continued, "She is, in fact, a sexual facilitator."

"A what? What exactly does a sexual facilitator do?" queried Lindy.

"It's a very specific title. A sexual facilitator is required when two severely handicapped or disabled people wish to do it - you know - get their rocks off. Someone, an able bodied person, has to first place them in the correct position and then return later to help them apart," explained Adele.

Goodness me. No wonder poor old Brigid was so practised in the art of being poker faced.