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Feather's Miscellany: Teddy Tank

...Down Garlic Lane there lived a right old soak
Called Teddy Tank, a happy, carefree bloke...

And Teddy Tank, a lad whi liked his pints, caught the bus in a big way, as John Waddington-Feather reveals.

Down Garlic Lane there lived a right old soak
Called Teddy Tank, a happy, carefree bloke
And popular in every pub in town,
Where nightly he drank away his sense and time Ė
Oh, how this fellow loved to swill his booze!
Yet sad to say he didnít ever choose
The wise way home, but foolish drove his car
A goodly ten or twelve pints over par.

He was a bachelor so had no wife
To lick him into shape and make his life
Less pleasant when he came home drunk;
Drub him with her tongue, reduce to junk
His manhood, cut him down to size with words,
As wives are apt to do, as sharp as swords.
So sad to say Ted Tank was hauled before
The courts for drunken driving full a score;
Lucky not to finish up in jail
And end his boozy days beyond the pale.

But one new year he made a resolution,
Which he hoped would be the grand solution
To his drink and driving home dilemma,
And quit his court appearances for ever.
ďIíll take a bus back home tonight,Ē
He vowed, ďand leave my car locked tight
Inside my garage while I hit the town.Ē
And thatís exactly what he did. Down
Went the pints until the time to go
And catch his bus back home. He caught his
Bus all right, but, fiddling with his door keys,
Slurred, ďCanít recall just how and where I found
This bus. Tomorrow Iíll return it sound.
A mystery how the hell it came to pass -
The only time Iíve ever driven home a bus!Ē

John Waddington-Feather ©


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