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Arkell's Ark: Having A Wonderful Time

"I believe that in the micro second before we die, all will be revealed, so that with our last breath we can gasp, ‘aha, so that’s why…’ And then die relatively happy,'' writes Ian Arkell.

But Lisa Williams, clairvoyant to the stars, tells us that this is just the beginning of a whole new, well, death. I watched her show, ‘Walking with the dead’. Why would the dead walk? Surely not for the therapeutic benefits of exercise.

Anyway, they walk. They talk, joke, seem to apologise a lot and reassure family members they are ok and that everything is peachy keen. Dead wise that is.

Duane was a druggie who blew his head off but he’s never been happier. He is at pains to reassure everyone that he’s also sorry. There are tears and the occasional halleluiah.

Lisa is a transplanted Brit, enjoying her new found fame as a deceased whisperer in the USA. She seems quite genuine and her clients seem to think she is the best thing since sliced bread. Or a big Mac. I’m not so sure.

The first of her clients is an actress. She is a size 16 blonde squeezed into a LBD that would probably only come in a size 10. A dentist somewhere is probably driving a new Audi thanks to her teeth. She has apparently starred in something called Meet the Barkers. No, I don’t think Meet the Barkers has been shortlisted for a Grammy recently. She has lost a friend who was a Harley fanatic. ‘Lost’ seems akin to misplaced, as in car keys or the TV remote. At least he hasn’t ‘passed’. As I’ve indicated previously, ‘passed’ always has me reaching for the Imodium.

So, this star of ‘Meet the Barkers’, let’s call her Mary Jane, has a website devoted to her friend, who I think she referred to as Josh. Now Lisa, in a split second of deathly contact deduces that he has long hair and tattoos. How rare is that for a Harley owner I thought. ‘He was a bit wild’ says Lisa and ‘a bit of a rebel’. Wow! A biker with long hair, tattoos and a rebel. That’s like, one in a million.

But the sceptic in me wonders if Lisa had just the slightest of surfs on Mary Jane’s website before meeting her. There are lots of tears and clapping and empathy and hugging and….stuff like that.

I have never spoken to anyone who is dead. Well, you know how it is at a party. You spend time chatting someone up for a while and end up with much the same result. But technically I haven’t. I suspect dead is dead.

My Mum died several years ago. When she was in the hospice she asked me if she was going home and I told her not for a while. She looked at me for a moment and said, ‘I’m not going home am I son?’ And I said that things were looking pretty dodgy and she laughed and told me I was a good son, which I wasn’t. But it made me feel better.

Because I’ve been moving between countries I haven’t decided what to do with her and she waits in a nice warm plastic box in a storage unit on the South Coast of New South Wales. I’ve thought about bringing her back to Belgium and putting her under the rose bush out the front.

Although knowing Belgian bureaucracy I would probably need about three kilos of paperwork and lots of Euros by way of fees. I could just turn up with her but if some over zealous customs person asked what was in the box and I answered ‘my mother’, it might cause confusion. I tend to find custom officials somewhat lacking in the ‘touchy feely’ department.

No, I think for the moment she’ll have to stay where she is. It’s warm, dry and I let off one of those insect bombs when I’m there, so there are no spiders to worry her. I’ll have to tell her about Lisa, see what she thinks. Like me, Mum was a sceptic. Although maybe your perspective changes when you’re dead.

Lisa shouldn’t get too complacent though. I’m told a man in Detroit was charged with assault recently following an attack on a well known local clairvoyant. Defence lawyer acknowledged the assault took place but said the guy was just trying to strike a happy medium.


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