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U3A Writing: My God, How Dangerous Is That?

Jim Graham brings golf into the Garden of Eden.


“And the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils and man became a living thing “ – Genesis 2:7.

That man was Adam which is a word derived from the Hebrew for man which is pronounced “Aw- damn” Even though he was the only person on earth, Adam was not allowed to become fat and idle; he was appointed as God’s greenkeeper to the Garden of Eden Country Club where the only members were God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Ghost who was the Tiger Woods of his time.

Life for Adam was good until God had a really dangerous idea; in Genesis 2:18 we read that “It is not good for man to be all alone”. God put Adam to sleep (probably with an overdose of some illegal substance) and whilst he slept, removed a rib from Adam’s side and in the world’s first and most dangerous sex –change operation turned it into a woman, which literally translates into female man.

Adam did not feel comfortable addressing her as “woman”, a practice fraught with danger even now, so he named her Eve and they cohabited comfortably in the Club House at the Country Club.

Whilst, after he recovered from the surgery, this idyllic life may have appealed to Adam, but it led into more danger as someone, either Eve or an evil serpent, another dangerous character, tried to tempt poor old Adam into eating the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge; finally he succumbed and they both committed the original sin.

As Adam and Eve had lots of spare time they discovered the joys of the flesh and this led to the arrival of Cain, Abel, Seth and numerous other offspring.

More dangerous ideas emerged when Cain thought he should get rid of Abel who was a better golfer than he. How he did so is lost in the mists of time but history records the discovery of a bloodied nine iron in a bunker on the 16th hole.

From there on it just got worse, the ancient tribes of Israel were descended from Jacob, who must have been a lusty fellow, as he had two wives and two concubines and sired twelve sons - enough for the world's first cricket team - and one daughter who would have been a spoiled brat with all those men to look after her. The Israelites spent hundreds of years carrying out dangerous pursuits such as murder, rape and pillage until they met their comeuppance at the hands of the Assyrians

History progressed and not in any chronological order we had dangerous Empires run by vicious despots , drunks and imperious Emperors such as the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Goths, Visigoths, Ostrogoths, Vandals, Vikings , Achaemenid or Persian, Mongolian, Chinese, Japanese etc. etc all of whom sought to impose their rule and will on others using a vast array of dangerous practices ranging from spearing, boiling in oil, hanging, drawing and quartering, stoning, using real stones not chemicals, various forms of flagellation ,the insertion of water or air into any number of bodily orifices and the Romans special treat where you got the choice of which wild animal was going to tear you limb from limb; all rather scary and definitely dangerous.

Then came the middle ages and the very dangerous Spanish Inquisition; created by Pope Lucius 111 who had a Papal Bull named Ad Abolendam . Instead of taking care of the Papal cows he was used to terrorise infidels and non-believers into accepting His Holiness’s ways and beliefs – one of the most dangerous being celibacy.

During the Inquisition my former mentors - the Jesuits- played a very prominent role in inflicting pain and punishment through a nasty array of very dangerous forms of torture including such charming practices as the “strappado”( suspension from the ceiling by the wrists and lifting and dropping the poor infidel until he became quite disjointed) Just for variation the hapless hangees were inverted and dangled by the ankles which gave a different perspective on things.
Another charming method of conversion involved the rack which turned five foot midgets into Harlem Globetrotters. Even in my time under their tender care they were not beyond emphasizing a point with a three foot trace strap – I still recall the thud and sting of leather on tender bare buttocks!

Enough of the past – today we are faced with the most challenging and sophisticated forms of danger the world has seen – weapons of mass destruction which make Nagasaki and Hiroshima pale into insignificance; chemicals that can destroy minds or wipe out entire cities, corrupt governments in many parts of the world and probably the greatest danger of all, fanaticism; either based on religious belief or racial hatred.

At a local level we have Government by incompetent, egotistical megalomaniacs who are determined to thrust our great nation into the forefront of the very debatable Climate Change and Emissions Trading Schemes at the potential expense of a way of life our forefathers endured great danger to obtain and protect.

If God had been a Trade Union Shop Steward he would have rested for six days and worked on the seventh, instead of the reverse which caused history to begin with all its inherent dangers.

Evolutionists have an entirely different and probably more dangerous view of how we emerged from the mire of prehistoric times.

However we have God to thank for the world’s shortest poem – written by Ogden Nash; its title is “Fleas”:

Had ’em.”


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