Open Writing

Thought for the day: Many girls like to marry a military man — he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and is already used to taking orders.

Come Hell or High Water

During the recent flood in a small Queensland town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by, they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.

‘Do you see that hat?’ said the girl. ‘First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again.’

‘Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad,’ replied the boy.‘This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today.’

A Ripe Old Age

An old Irishman was coming home from the pub late one night. As he passed the old graveyard, he thought of all his friends there. Then he saw a little headstone by the side of the road.

He thought, 'Poor man, buried out here by the highway. And he lived to the ripe old age of 145. A fine man. Let's see, his name was Miles, from Dublin!”

Computer Help

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up, so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

‘Sir,’ I said politely, ‘can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?’

‘Okay,’ the computer support guy said. ‘Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?’

The Boring Speaker

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop Button. He burbled on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him.

It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, ‘Hit me again, I can still hear him.’

Devil Shopping

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. ‘How could you do this!’ he exclaimed.

‘I don't know,’ she wailed, ‘I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'

‘Well,’ the pastor persisted, ‘You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!'

‘I did,’ replied his wife, but then he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'

Daiquiri

A doctor liked to stop at a bar after work and have an almond daiquiri.

One day, Dick, the bartender, ran out of almonds and used hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took a sip and asked, 'Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?'

And Dick said, 'No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!'

Goldfish...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, ‘What are you up to there, Nancy?’

‘My goldfish died,’ replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ‘and I've just buried him.’

The neighbour was concerned, ‘That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?’

Nancy, patting down the last heap of earth, replied, ‘That's because he's inside your stupid cat!’

The Jewellery

Mrs. Flynn decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, ‘Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.’

‘But you’re not wearing any,’ he said..

‘I know. It’s in case I die before my husband. I’m sure he’d remarry and I want her to go nuts looking for my jewellery.’

The Bank

A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.

The teller said, ‘Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit.’