Open Writing

When a Chinese friend told me that Feng Shui meant 'Wind and Rain' I was interested at once; like most Senior citizens, wind gives me much trouble, indeed, wind is a prerequisite to graduate into the senior ranks.

To discover more about this form of Chinese medicine (as I mistakenly imagined it to be) I pursued the matter, a discovery in which the riveting, nail-biting drama held me spellbound. I discovered that it was thousands of years old, first appearing in the Shinshitsu’s third Dynasty writings as Master Shanzarshui explained in the Bujutzeng.

This saga becomes even more exciting when the Ginapian Manuscripts, after inter-dynastical warfare, revealed that one needed furniture in this Feng Shui Chinese medicinal cure for wind. What fascinating stuff; a constantly unfolding drama. I was determined to obtain some furniture, apparently a requirement, so I went along to one of these Do-it-Yourself furniture places.

This was the difficult part. Firstly one had to identify the Section number displayed on the display ticket and then the Row Number. The furniture packages are so heavy you risk a double hernia trying to load them onto a trolley then unloading back home. It is then a major battle to empty the huge packaging. Inside there is a book of instructions; in all languages except English; such as,
Das einen kerfumf nicht vincher ist das zweiden snitzer … O mea solo el cappuccino none divalento impotenti … Il est interdit uriner sur les merchandises … and others.

To assemble Do-it-Yourself furniture, ignore the implied meaning. First, ask the next-door teenager if he could spare five minutes to give you a hand, then sit back and watch him assemble the whole thing within 15 minutes for you. This will save you days maybe even weeks of construction, de-construction and re-construction work bordering dangerously on complete destruction, sore knees, fingers and barked knuckles.

The next bit is to open the packets of screws and count them. There will be two or three short but never mind, there always are. However, they may have dropped and rolled under the couch. Have a good look around while you are down there as you may find other interesting things under the couch that you had long forgotten about.

You will find in construction that although the screws are of different sizes it does not matter, pay no attention to them, just grab anyone and shove it in the hole. If on completion it all wobbles a bit or sways from one side to the other or teeters rather drunkenly, then a good tip is that sometimes a bit of sticky-tape, or cardboard jammed tightly in the gaps through which you can see daylight, can help to stop unsteadiness and the threat of your cup of coffee sliding gracefully overboard.

At this stage the completed article is ready for the application of Feng Shui, about which, by now, you may well have forgotten. (Go back and revise the nail-biting history at the start.)

At this early stage in your studies it should, and indeed, must be noted that the correct pronunciation of ‘Feng’ is not ‘Feng’ at all, but ‘Foong’. That is why although always pronounced as ‘Foong’, it is logically enough, always written as ‘Feng’.

This is because if you read ‘Feng’ from bottom to top, as the Chinese read, it finishes up as ‘Foong’. It is suggested that you try this several times, although you may be unsuccessful in these early days of your studies; practice is essential.

Having mastered this, the next step is to understand and learn the Feng Shui mantra. This is moaned in a slow monotonous chant, the Chinese words being

‘Hoo flung dung—wun’s hang lo---- Hoo flung dung lo--Wun dung hangs lo---Hoo dung hangs lo tu Wun. ’

It is very subtle, the last Hoo dung hangs lo tu Wun being a shining example of Chinese compromise on who actually flung dung, Hoo or Wun, then leaves you pondering.

Then you must learn it backwards as the Chinese do it, starting with

Wun tu lo hangs dung Hoo and finishing with dung flung Hoo.

This mantra should be chanted when Feng Shui changes to Foong Shui. I found it easier to learn when there is a full moon, as in writing this article during which, in self gratification, I like to roll on the floor chewing the carpet in between paragraphs.

Having learnt the mantra you can proceed with the final practical application of Feng Shui which, rather disappointingly for Seniors, I discovered, has nothing whatever to do with their wind despite the Feng bit in the title.

The whole final part of Feng/Foong Shui depends upon the positioning of the house and its furniture. In Feng Shui, first of all you need a back door, to be situated in the front, and then you get a friend to hold it while a house is attached behind it and be sure – a very essential part of this elementary ‘Feng Shui’ (the first embryonic step before its metamorphosis to Foong Shui by going upwards) – to ensure that not only the back door but also the laundry door faces the street, too. A wonderful idea as when you leave for work through the front door it is at the back and so neighbours can’t watch you to see if you have on a clean shirt and things like that.

This is all essential in accordance with the spiritual balance of ‘Qi’ (the inherent energy lines of bodily meridians; and if you have ever seen a meridian’s body, look away as they say it: is not a pretty sight.) This is very deep stuff and seldom understood by Caucasians, Arabs and Jews and Asians, and even very often by the Chinese themselves, it being far too high tech’.

The last step is to arrange your do-it-yourself furniture to catch the meridian breezes whistling through the laundry and back door in a howling draught, which blows pictures and stuff around the rooms in poltergeist fashion. This is the pinnacle of achievement in Feng Shui and you get your Black-Belt.

Having finally and thankfully reached the end you will find that the little lady of the house does not agree with your furniture arrangement and changes it all.

This is when the male Senior’s winds of exasperation blow as he gives vent, so to speak, to his emotions about it all; but not to worry, they will waft out through the back door in the front and annoy the neighbourhood. That’s why the back door was built in the front.

Wonderful logic this Feng/Foong Shui stuff.

ZY TIEN