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“The greengrocer was pinned to the parsnips by the one with no neck and jack-boots, and the chap in the black leather and the monocle had me cornered by the cauliflowers, whilst the bloodhound drooled into the beetroot…’’ The inimitable Sue Papworth imagines a day when a visit to the greengrocer’s could turn into a metric nightmare
"Things got off to a bad start with the dentist when I nearly ampdutated his thumb...'' Sue Papworth tells a painfully delicious tale of a tooth disaster, somewhere in France.
After watching a television programme about the British National Party Sue Papworth was moved to write this brisk reminder of the facts of world history.
Sue Papworth says he has at last realised the function of summer clothes. They exist to be shoved in a suitcase under the spare room bed.
Memory is an odd thing, says Sue Papworth in this gloriously funny column. But memory aids are odder by a mile...
Continue reading "Memories Are Made Of Old Oppressed Octopuses" »
"It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't superglued myself to the pig.'' Sue Papworth's column is one long first-sentence-to-last chuckle.
Continue reading "Getting Stuck Into The Beastley Business" »
The builder put in a new staircase leading to Sue Papworth's basement. Unfortunately the hall floor hit you in mid-chest when you tried to go down the stairs.
You can usually tell when people have been on a course, says Sue Papworth. They tell you earnestly stuff you've known for years.
So you are proud to be English? Fine - but do remember that the English invaded Britain. They came from Germany.
After watching a television programme about the British National Party Sue Papworth was moved to write this brisk reminder of the facts of world history.
Would you let a chap with eight rings in each ear take you for a drive? Sue Papworth is pleasantly surprised.
What would happen if you tried to hurl a left-handed boomerang with the wrong hand? Sue Papworth broods upon sthe significance of Left-Handed Day.
Having decided that Yorkshire was not a suitable place to film Wuthering Heights, where did the film makers look? Uzbekistan? Sue Papworth has some fun speculating on the sleight to her home county.
Seated here beneath the trees, the gentle breezes bear the delicate fragrance of....paraffin. Sue Papworth paints a wry portrait of the English summer scene.
Ever thought of going to a parent-teacher meeting with Mr Darcy? Those fictional heroes would be an absolute pain to have around the house, says Sue Papworth.
"My Doctor Recommended Tennis Balls.'' Sue Papworth chuckles at the headlines on the medical junk mail which comes through her letter box.
You don't need to fall down a black hole to find evidence of the existence of other universes, says Sue Papworth. For confirmation just look at the small ads in the Saturday papers.
So there you are, ill in a hospital bed, when a visitor wanders in, stares out of the ward window, and says "Poor day for a funeral. They're burying my auntie today.'' Sue Papworth considers the folk who go hospital visiting, then decides which is worst - the thoroughly gloomy or the relentlessly cheerful.
Chimpanzees have naturally neat coiffures. Gorillas never need to go for a short back and sides. So why, Sue Papworth muses, should allegedly superior human beings have to spend so much time taking care of their hair?
What is Stanley Ug doing while Mrs Ug boils up a nice bit of woolly mammoth for tea? Sue Papworth explains all.
So how would you feel if you received a letter addressed to Dear Mrs Pigworth, or accidentally typed Dear Slut or Madman in one of your own missives? Read Sue Papworth's hilarious musings on the delights of using a computer.
Sue Papworth points out that every last one of us living in these British Isles is a migrant.
Sue Papworth homes in on the subject of press freedom. Certain newspaper editors should read this - and blush.
Who but Sue Papworth could turn a visit from the blocked-drain men into high comedy?
In another delicious adventure in words, Sue Papworth describes what it is like to have Lake Windermere over your head, with fireworks.
Sue Papworth exuberantly recalls a happy day at Barnsley's Christmas market.
Fancy making some bread sauce? Sue Papworth recalls that the first task was to fetch the step ladder from the top landing, carrying it down three flights of stairs.
The delightful Sue Papworth chuckles at the inanity of survival weekends.
The delicious Sue Papworth escapes from the task of cleaning out the cutlery drawer, only to encounter a mystery involving bottled water and a bun shop.
Sue Papworth encounters men in rubber suits when she goes on an outing beyond Holmfirth.
So what would you do if you were stuck in a loggging camp with a woman with two left feet? Another inimitable Sue Papworth escapade.
So why go all the way to Spain when you can have fascinating experiences on the Costa del Barnsley?
